h1

Historical Porn

January 17, 2006

I went to the local porn store, The Adultatorium, to return the videos I had purchased for Jeff Malton, which as you may remember he threw at my head because he lost his crotch in Iraq. I was hoping I’d get cash back, instead I got store credit. Now I was faced with the unfamiliar and daunting task of actually purchasing porn for myself rather than getting it for free off the Internet.

“We have various toys for lovers too,” says Todd Rigid the sales clerk/assistant manager/current porn star.

“I’d need a lover for those things,” I say. “Thank you for reminding me of the stabbing solitude that is my life.”

“You sound like an educated and classy man,” says Todd Rigid. “I think you’ll find our Historical Porn section most interesting.”

“Historical porn?” I say. “Never heard of it.”

Todd Rigid goes to a shelf, pulls off a DVD, and hands it to me. I look on the cover and see a guy dressed up like George Washington mounting a girl wearing only the original 13-star American flag.

“America’s Pounding Fathers?” I say, reading the title.

“It’s set in 1776,” Todd Rigid begins to explain. “It’s all these historical peeps like Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and Alexander Hamilton and they hold the first Cuntinental Cumgress. Then they bang Betsy Ross and a bunch of other girls for an hour and a half. Then it ends with the signing of the Declaration of Sexapendence.”

“Wow, this stuff is way different than the porn I grew up with,” I say, kind of impressed. “Usually the only plot those movies had was a broken cable box or a pizza delivery.”

“Porn has been profitable for so long, now that money’s getting put back into production values and story,” Todd Rigid says, taking another DVD from the shelf. “Check this one out.”

“One if by Land, Two if by Anal…” I say, reading the box.

“With AVN-award winner Pike Staffman as Paul Revere,” says Todd Rigid. “Riding from Lexington to Concord, banging every girl along the way. It’s his best role since Captain Cocksman of the Cosmos.”

“Got any Civil War porno?” I ask, curious to see how far this Historical Porn goes.

“We’ve got Antitiem Assplay,” says Todd Rigid, looking through the movies. “Appomattox Orgy is a good one.”

“Nothing with Gettysburg in it?” I ask.

“Nah, Gettysburg Gangbang doesn’t come out till next month,” says Todd Rigid. “Personally, I find the Civil War stuff lacking. You should check out the Japanese internment camp porno. Or one about the Underground Railroad. Hot stuff I tell ya.”

“You know, I’m not sure Historical Porn is for me,” I say. “At least not American Historical Porn. Got anything with Vikings?”

Ten minutes later, I’m walking out of the Adultatorium with Valkyrie Lesbo Party parts 1, 2, and 3…along with a new-found appreciation of Norse mythology.

3 comments

  1. I couldn have said it better. Maria


  2. Interesting story )


  3. I’m waiting for the more obscure settings like Roundheads Round the World or Macedonian Muffdivers.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: