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Lent: The shocking truth

March 1, 2006

It’s a very short line at the Burger King this evening. Is there another mad cow disease scare that I’m not aware of? Oh fucknuts…why is it everytime it’s half-off Whopper day there’s the threat of diseased meat eating holes in my brain?! I shouldn’t have drank all that peroxide before coming here. That shit makes me fidgety and paranoid. Hey, why’s that guy got that shit on his forehead? Is he a miner? Shouldn’t he be trying to get his friends out of that caved-in mine I heard about on the news? Damn it! This is no time for chicken fries! Oh wait, that was last month. Never mind. Hey, that woman over there has shit on her forehead too. She can’t be a miner, she has a manicure. Miners don’t get manicures. Just like how people in wheelchairs don’t buy high heels. What’s the fucking point? Wait…agh…brain remembering…Catholic school years…oh, that’s right. It’s Ash Wednesday. Lent has begun. Give me a Whopper and some onion rings. I need to quell this peroxide-induced anxiety.

Ah…that’s better. Now let me relay to you some info about Lent that Portuguese Intelligence has discovered. Lent is just a ruse by the Catholic Church to help sell fish. Why would the church do this? Because they are in the back pocket of the fisherman’s lobby, and have been for almost two millenia. Ever ask yourself why it’s not okay to eat pork or beef or venison on Ash Wednesday or on Fridays during Lent but fish and seafood is all right? What makes eating trout okay but prime rib not okay? It’s because the Gorton’s Fisherman tells Pope Joey Rats to jump, and the pontiff says “how high?” And he probably says it in Latin too.

How did the fishing lobby get this influence over the Church? Let us remember the days of ancient Rome when practicing Christianity was punishable by death. It was risky to have mass in your house, or out in the woods. But you were safe if you held service out at sea…under the ruse of fishing. And so the Catholic Church as well as its Protestant offshoots hold a great debt to the fishing industry, which they still pay today.

Also Red Lobster owns the copyright to the phrase “…and I shall make you fishers of men.” If they wanted, Red Lobster could sue the various Christian faiths for 1700 years of back royalties on Bibles and homilies…which a papal mainframe computer calculated the cost to be a number so large not even God could comprehend it (black Jesus at the gay bar says his dad has trouble with numbers, which is why a lot of things in the Bible are arbitrarily 40 or 3).

So enjoy your Friday seafood dinner. Your meal serves not your Lord but the stockholders of Starkist and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and Mrs. Pell’s (makers of fish sticks so good, they’re even better when you’re dead).

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