Ninja Date

Ninja Vicki’s mom set her up on a blind date with a guy named Joe the other night. He was a paralegal at some law firm in town and was studying to pass the Bar Exam, which according to Ninja Vicki’s mom would make him prime husband material. Ninja Vicki hates it when her mom does crap like this, but she humors her by at least going on the date. Ninja Vicki likes a free dinner.

“I think she does this out of fear that I’m going to die alone,” Ninja Vicki says. “Or she’s really impatient for grandchildren.”

Joe picked up Ninja Vicki at her house. He was a bit confused when Ninja Vicki answered the door in her ninja gear. Apparently Mrs. Ninja Vicki neglected to tell Joe that her daughter was a ninja. Anyway, Ninja Vicki agreed not to wear her ninja mask and they went out to dinner at Fancy Pants, the snazzy hip restaurant where all the waiters and waitresses wear very vibrant and artsy pants.

The small talk doesn’t go well. Ninjas are a secretive bunch, so Ninja Vicki doesn’t say much about herself. Joe sees if talking about himself and his job at the law firm of Peterson & Voltron will open Ninja Vicki up, but it doesn’t. She has no interest in things like personal injury litigation or bad faith cases against insurance companies. Ninja Vicki is too busy tracking everyone in the room with her eyes, seeing if are plotting to attack her. She sees the bartender flipping a bottle of vodka and thinks an ambush is coming, so she throws a ninja star into his arm. Joe’s not sure what to make of that.

They then go to the movies. About twenty minutes into the movie, Joe tries the classic yawn-and-put-his-arm-around-his-date move. Unfortunately for Joe, Ninja Vicki had snuck out ten minutes into the movie, leaving only a tub of popcorn and a half-eaten box of Snow-Caps.

“I saw that move coming from parking lot,” Ninja Vicki told us at the Bass-to-Bass.

“So what was wrong with this one?” I ask.

“I don’t think he was totally comfortable with the whole ninja thing,” Ninja Vicki says. “I just want to find someone who likes me for me.”

“Well, first you have to get them to like the fake you,” Bernie says. “Then you slowly creep in the real you and see if they stick around. For the first couple dates, I didn’t even let Marlie know I could speak.”

“I hate dating,” says Ninja Vicki.

“So do I,” says Psycho Dave. “Thank God for GSB.”

“Want to play shot glass checkers?” I ask Ninja Vicki. “It’s half-price Jameson’s night.”

“No…I have to go home and call my mom,” Ninja Vicki says. “I have to tell her what went wrong with the date…and that I really do like guys.”

It’s hard for ninjas to find someone to love.