An Easter Basket Full of GrenadesApril 14, 2006
Easter is one of the hardest holidays to defend for the Fighting Blitzens of the 7th Holiday Division. Though it may always be on a Sunday, the date of that Sunday changes every year. Sometimes it’s in March…other times April. The Fighting Blitzens depend on timely military intelligence to know when to mobilize for the defense of Easter.
But like St. Patrick’s Day, Easter’s enemies are hidden and unknown. But they surely exist. And it’s up to the fine men of the Fighting Blitzens to ferret out such threats to the top American Spring holiday.
And so it was this Good Friday that the 7th Holiday Division commandeered the local high school football field to use as an concentration camp for vegans, code-named: Camp Bunny Meat. Why vegans? Because of their suspicious lack of enthusiasm regarding eggs and animal-shaped candies.
“Much like your red commie bastards of old, vegans will not eat a marshmellow peep or a chocolate bunny,” First Sgt. Marduk said in the briefing to his men. “Therefore their rejection of two of Easter’s most enduring symbols leaves us no doubt that vegans are the greatest threat to Easter.”
It was rumored that the Fighting Blitzens were going to designate Jews as the largest threat to Easter and intern them in Camp Bunny Meat this year, but that plan was shot down by the brass at the Pentagon. Some think it was because it would threaten American-Israeli relations. Others think it was because the Jews didn’t actually kill Jesus, despite what Mel Gibson says. And one guy down at the local soda shop says it’s because there is no way to spin rounding up Jews into camps as a good thing. Ever.
No word on if or when the vegans will be released. Memorial Day is coming and vegans may be regarded as enemies to that holiday as well, considering their noted opposition to grilling meat on the bar-b-que, the hallmark of Memorial Day. Oh, and something about soldiers too.