White Noise

Lt. Vic Easel is in a good mood for a change.

“I made my quota, I’m not going to Iraq,” says Lt. Vic Easel with a pleased look on his face.

“And you did it without recruiting the retarded, the autistic, and the orphaned?” I say.

“Affirmative,” says Lt. Vic Easel.

“Then who did you fill the Army’s ranks with?” I ask.

“White supremecists,” says Lt. Vic Easel.

You could hear the slap of my hand against my forehead clear across the shopping mall.

“They’re eager to join and they’re eager to fight,” says Lt. Vic Easel.

“Because they want free training for a future race war!” I reply.

“I don’t think this is as big a deal as you think,” says Lt. Vic Easel.

“Did you forget about the Oklahoma City Bombing?” I say. “You’ve just recruited a whole bunch of Timothy McVeighs.”

“Timothy who?” says Lt. Vic Easel. “And when did Oklahoma City get bombed? Was it those Al-Qaeda bastards?”

Apparently if it’s not on a bumper sticker, no one remembers it. But making a “Remember 4/20″ bumper sticker probably would have reminded people to go get high rather than to remember April 20, 1995 when Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building was bombed.

“How is the military supposed to win the hearts and minds of Arabs when you’re sending Neo-Nazis who hate all non-white people to Iraq?” I ask.

“Obviously you’re unfamiliar with Rumsfeld’s Odd Couple Doctrine,” says Lt. Vic Easel. “We put two diametrically opposite peoples in one location and then patiently wait for friendship to bloom.”

“And you honestly believe that is a seriously viable idea?” I say.

“I have to, because it’s linked with the Mystico Doctrine,” says Lt. Vic Easel. “See Mystico was a hypnotist who built houses in Britain with his mind that were very sturdy and sound as long as people believed in them. Well, just like those houses, if we don’t believe in the plans of the Pentagon, they’ll collapse and fail too.”

“Why is the Pentagon creating policy based on obscure Monty Python sketches?” I say.

“Because comparitively it’s the only way recruiting white supremecists into the Army could be considered a good idea,” says Lt. Vic Easel. The Lieutenant then exclaimed “Oh shit!” and started clapping very quickly while saying “I believe” over and over again in a pleading mantra.

Don’t pity the people who don’t believe in anything. Pity the people who are forced to believe in something ridiculous.