My rights are a bridge you say? Oh, abridged!
March 15, 2007“So let me get this straight,” I say.
“Sure,” says Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. We are having drinks at the Bass-to-Bass.
“So we don’t have the right to habeus corpus,” I say.
“Do you see that in the Constitution?” says Alberton Gonzales. “Where’s it say you have it? It just says it can’t be suspended, not necessarily that you have it.”
“Interesting,” I say, sipping my Clorox cocktail. “What else don’t we have the right of?”
“That whole first amendment, a big lie,” says Alberto Gonzales. “All it says is that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”
“And we don’t have any of that?” I say.
“Did you hear me say anything in there about you actually having freedom of speech, freedom of press, or freedom to peaceably assemble?” says Alberto Gonzales. “We just can’t make any law abridging those things… which no one said you had.”
“Wow, what else don’t I have the right to?” I say, impressed.
“Trial by jury… unreasonable search and seizure… and slavery, if you take a long hard philosophical look at the word ‘exist,’” says Alberto Gonzales.
“How did you get this job?” I ask.
“My luscious head of hair and my lack of shame,” says Alberto Gonzales. “Say, would you like a job as a US Attorney?”
“Hells yeah!” I exclaim. “Sign my ass up!”
About two months later Alberto Gonzales gets in trouble for firing US Attorney’s for political reasons, and I’m out of my cushy federal job where I just sat on my ass all day and made my paralegals fight to the death for my amusement. Damn you checks and balances! I had a sweet gig!
