Get married now and we’ll throw in free anytime sex minutes at no chargeApril 2, 2007
“So I’m talking to my parents again,” says Ninja Vicki as we sit at the bar in the Bass to Bass for Indifferent Hour. It’s not Happy Hour. It’s not UnHappy Hour. It’s like purgatory, except with two dollar drafts and half-off mozarella sticks.
“That’s good,” I say.
“All they have to do is not talk about how I’m not married or dating and we’ll be fine,” says Ninja Vicki. “I give it two months before mom slips and says something about setting me up with a nice boy from the choir, or some crap about settling down.”
“You can’t train parents,” I say. “They’re old, they’re set in their ways, they can’t learn new behaviors. Or so I’m told. I don’t have parents, being grown in a lab and all.”
“Bernie the half-cyborg cat says you have parents and they’re nice people,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Bernie is a god damn liar,” I reply. “Anyway, I’m not sure why people are so hung up on marriage.”
I see Captain Pat behind the bar and flag him down. “Hey Captain Pat. You’re a married man. What’s the big deal with marriage?”
“Well, for starters, I can have sex anytime I want with my wife,” says Captain Pat.
“Really?” I say. “Anytime?”
“Even if she’s not in the mood or even willing?” asks Ninja Vicki.
“Look, Phyllis Schlafly says “By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don’t think you can call it rape,” says Captain Pat. “So, that means I get to have sex with my wife whenever I want.”
“Captain Pat, do you even know who Phylls Schlafly is?” asks Ninja Vicki.
“Not at all,” says Captain Pat. “But she’s obviously a chick, and if chick is saying stuff like that, then it must be true. I mean, I don’t utilize that particular perk in my marriage, but it’s good to know it’s there.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could dislike the thought of getting married even more than I did, but you’ve just changed all that, Captain Pat,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Captain Pat, you just can’t heed the words of every crazy person yelling stuff in public forums,” I say.
“Why? I listen to you,” says Captain Pat.
Damn, he’s got me there.
“Maybe it’s not a good idea to take important advice from people you know nothing about,” says Ninja Vicki.
“But I’m Catholic,” says Captain Pat.
Damn, he’s got her there. I guess you don’t get to own a fisherman’s themed bar without having some mental agility.