He’ll live.

As a general rule, superheroes don’t kill criminals. Superman, Batman, Spiderman… they know not to play judge, jury, and/or executioner in their battles with the criminal element.

Local superhero Crimson Paraplegic, sidekick to Mercury Shadow, knows this too. However, she’s found a bit of a loophole.

“The cops show up and find the criminals all tied up or in a net,” Mercury Shadow tells me as we all share a nightcap on my roof. “But they’re all paralysed from the waist down.”

“I told them not to run,” says Crimson Paraplegic, floating next to Mercury Shadow with a fresh Scrappletini in hand.  It’s like an Appletini, except with Scrapple-flavored schnapps. “If you run from me I am free to punch you in the spine and shatter your spinal column.”

“Well, she’s not killing anyone,” I say. “But I think you need to be a bit more particular on who you cripple. Maybe if they’re endangering people’s lives and the only way to stop them is by breaking their back…”

“No, I’m setting an example,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “If I do this enough, then every criminal is going to know that if you run from me you’re not walking ever again. And that’s going to make my job a whole lot easier.”

“You are so going to get sued,” says Mercury Shadow.

“I’ve been sued already and won,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “The criminal’s not going to get any sympathy in court for being crippled because I’m crippled too. So who are you going to feel more sorry for? The nice-looking female superhero cripple, or the criminal cripple?”

“She certainly knows how to play to the jury,” I say.

“They’re going to have to spend millions to make the prisons wheelchair-accessible,” says Mercury Shadow. “If they have to raise taxes to do that, the citizenry is going to be pissed.”

“Prisons should have already been wheelchair-accessible to begin with,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I fight for all those innocent people out there, and for the Americans with Disabilities Act.”

“Well, it’s important to have a cause,” I say. “And maybe this will spur funding for stem cell research. Because who wants to take care of a whole prison worth of cripples?”

“Hmm… actually a prison full of cripples may not be so bad,” says Mercury Shadow.  “Eliminates escape attempts for one thing.  Makes it easy for the guards to control prisoners. “

“And really makes it hard for prison rape to happen,” says Crimson Paraplegic.  “I think I’m onto something here.”

Two weeks later, somehow Suitcase of Scorpions got wind of Crimson Paraplegic’s plan and the whole town is considering paralysing convicted felons.  It’s either going to fail miserably in Council, or it’s going to be what catapults Suitcase of Scorpions all the way to the governorship.