This is our son Led Zeppelin IV, and our daughter The White Album

Bernie the half-cyborg cat and his Irish wife Marlie are thinking about having kids. We’re not sure if they’re going to be human or feline or some sort of hybrid, but they’re preparing for the possibility of Marlie having a litter of offspring.

When readying yourself to have 4-8 kids at a time, it is important to have a lot of names ready to go. So Bernie’s been picking our brains down at the Bass-to-Bass, because Marlie won’t let him name the kids Mittens, Patches, or Mr. Whiskers.

“There’s that Swedish couple who want to name their kid Metallica,” I say. “Maybe they’re on to something.”

“That’s the Swedes for you,” says Mikka, full of Finnish pride today. “Naming their kids after a band that lost its edge ten years ago.  Screw Sweden!  FINLAND!!!  SISU!!!“

“Maybe they’re trying to relive the days when Metallica actually rocked,” says Ninja Vicki. “You know, a happier time.”

“In that case, just name the kid ‘Ride the Lightning’ or ‘Master of Puppets,’” says Mikka. “If they wanted a name that rocks, they should call the kid Pantera or Slayer.”

“I’m partial to Dragonforce,” I say. “Bernie, what’s Marlie’s last name?”

“Malone,” says Bernie. Since Bernie is a cat he doesn’t have a last name, so Marlie got to keep hers.

“Dragonforce Malone,” I say. “I like the ring of that, and it will sound really bitchin’ when they do roll call at school. The teacher will be like ‘Jacob Smith,’ ‘Elijah Nelson,’ ‘Dragonforce Malone,’ and your kid will be proud to raise his hand and say ‘present.’”

“Maybe something mythological from her Celtic heritage,” Avonia suggests. “Like Morrigan or Tuatha de Daanan.”

“Let’s keep it in the realm of things Marlie can pronounce after a bottle of Jameson’s,” says Bernie.  “Music works for Marlie.”

“Call the daughters Jett and Benetar,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“What about the sons?” asks Bernie.

“I don’t know… Morrissey?” shrugs Tina.  “I always liked his music.”

“No, Bernie’s kids must be metal!” Mikka roars.  “You call your daughters Iron Maiden, Queensryche, and Motorhead!”

“Why do Bernie’s kids have to have heavy metal names?” Avonia asks.

“Because Bernie’s half-made of metal,” says Mikka.  “You’re more metal than the entire metal community.”

“Except maybe Eddie Van Halen, but that’s because he got that hip replacement,” says Ninja Vicki.

“MegaDeth Malone has a nice ring to it,” I say.

Bernie went home that night to tell his wife about naming the kids after metal bands.  The next day Marlie called her doctor for an estimate on getting sterilized.