Christianity is like P. Diddy

Avonia the Wiccan pimp spent Easter weekend protesting outside every Christian church in town, holding a sign saying “Quit stealing from the pagans.”

“They didn’t even change the name,” Avonia says. “They got the name from the goddess Oestre and the Babylonian goddess Ishtar. Both of them goddesses of fertility and Spring and rebirth.”

“I always wondered why there’s no explanation on why the day Jesus resurrects is called Easter,” I say. “At least Christmas is just a smashing of the words Christ and Mass.”

“And they’re really just piggybacking on Passover as well,” says Avonia. “But I can’t speak for the Jews, I can only represent the pagan community.”

“Are you sure you want to be protesting like this?” I ask. “The Fighting Blitzens might round you up for threatening Easter.”

“No, the 9th Holiday Division is rounding up Jews this year,” says Avonia. “They were going to round them up last year but they held off because the Bush administration wanted to court the Jewish vote for the 2006 midterms. The Jews still voted Democratic by a 3-to-1 ratio, so now they’re spending the day down at the new Holiday Protection Facility where that Sears Hardware store used to be.”

“The politics of protecting our holidays never cease to astound me,” I say. “But why are the Jews enemies of Easter? If Mel Gibson is right and the Jews killed Jesus, then they’re the reason for the season.”

“Apparently this year Passover got a bit more attention in the press, so the Blitzens figured Passover was the biggest threat to Easter,” says Avonia. “Too many stories about matzoh balls recipes on the news…”

“I think the biggest threat to Easter is that it’s never on the same date every year,” I say. “I can’t be keep looking at the calendar to see when Easter is. I need a specific time. Last Thursday of the month, fine. I can remember that’s Thanksgiving. July 4th for 4th of July, great! But not this first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring Equinox bullshit. I’m an American. I don’t follow the lunar calendar. Unless I become a werewolf, then it’s mandatory.”

“Blame the Pope,”Avonia says. “Some pope many years ago came up with that system of where Easter falls and it’s been that way ever since. That’s why I’ve been spending most of my time protesting outside the Catholic chuches. They have a hierarchy I can appeal to. What kind of ladder of authority do the Protestant faiths have?”

“Yeah, who’s the H.B.I.C.?” I ask.

“The what?”

“Head Baptist in Charge.”

“Oh.”

“I think you have to call up Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell,” I say. “They’re on TV all the damn time, they must be in charge of some of like half of the Protestant faiths.”

“Well, that’s a dead-end,” says Avonia. “According to Jerry Falwell, my pagan brothers and sisters and I caused 9/11. I doubt he’d want to hear me explain a plan to put Easter on a more regular schedule.”

“Right, right.” I say. “Hey, why aren’t you out pimpin’ ho’s today?”

“Holidays are a bad time for prostitution,” says Avonia. “Except for Christmas and New Year’s, but I chalk that up more to Winter Seasonal Depression.”

Easter is a bad time for a lot of people. Like whores, and diabetics, and Jews.