The South Will Rise Again… but for 30 days only.
April 13, 2007“Hey, I’ve been feeling weird since the beginning of April,” I say to Doctor Fireman.
“Allergies?” says Doctor Fireman.
“No, not that,” I say. “I’ve got these weird urges to do things I never even considered doing, because they’re really wrong.”
“Like what?” asks Doctor Fireman, writing on his chart.
“I suddenly have the urge to secede from America and keep blacks as slaves on a cotton plantation,” I say. “Do I have the schizophrenia? Is one of my split personalities from Georgia?”
“No, it’s nothing serious,” says Doctor Fireman. “It’s just Confederate Heritage Month all April. Looks like you caught a slight case of Johnny Reb. Been around any southerners recently?”
“No, but I got stuck watching a Dukes of Hazzard marathon last weekend after I took a muscle relaxer and couldn’t reach the remote control,” I say. “Plus Newt Gingrich has been on TV a lot recently.”
“That’ll do it,” says Doctor Fireman. “I’m going to perscribe you some Unionall – that will take care of the feelings of secession. And for the slavery, here’s the miniseries Roots. If it doesn’t clear up by May 1st or if you start wearing the stars and bars in any form, come on back and we’ll perform an emergency Appomattoxamy right here in the office.”
“Can I continue to wear my Boss Hogg white suit?” I ask.
“No, you’ll have to leave that here with me,” says Doctor Fireman.
Well, this won’t be the first time I’ve walked into the local pharmacy in just my Y-fronts.
