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Hey, you’re not Sean Astin. And you never played for Notre Dame either!

April 26, 2007

Rudy Giuliani coaches a girls’ 9-12 year-old youth basketball team down at the Wreckx-N-Effect Center. Back in 1992, our town loved the song “Rump Shaker” so much they had to name the local recreation center after the group (this also explains the Onyx Memorial Firehouse).

Anyway, Rudy coaches the Mustangs.  They’re 0-8 on the season and in danger of missing the playoffs, sitting dead last in eighth place in the league. Tonight is a big game against the fourth-place Firebirds.

“Okay, now remember our strategy,” says Coach Rudy Giuliani in the pre-game huddle.

“Coach, maybe we need a new strategy,” says 10-year old power forward Emily North-by-Northwest.

“My strategy is what’s best for America,” says Coach Rudy Giuliani. “We will remain on offense and will anticipate what the other team will do and try to stop them before they do it.”

“Yeah, that’s great and all, but we can’t be on offense all the time” says 11-year-old point guard Jenny Mesopotamia. “Eventually we’ll need to play some D.  Maybe some a 1-3-1 zone, or a box and 1?”

“No defense!” Coach Rudy Giuliani says. “If we are on defense, we will have more losses and the season will go on longer.”

“Um, we already have a lot of losses,” says 11-year-old center Mattie Hyphenated.

“No defense!” Coach Rudy Giuliani repeats.  “If we go on defense we will wave the white flag on Iraq – I mean, this basketball season. We will cut back on our jumpshots, our lay-ups, our electronic surveillance, interrogation and we will be back to our pre-Sept. 11 attitude.”

“I was three on September 11,” says 9-year old back-up forward Lucia Aidsface (pronounced Ides-fa-chee).

“Maybe just a little defense,” says 10-year-old shooting guard Hailey Goldschlager.  “Just so we could maybe win a game before the season is over?”

“This season ends when they stop coming here to kill us!” Coach Rudy Giuliani says. “Never, ever again will this team ever be on defense waiting for the terrorists on the other team to attack us if I have anything to say about it. And make no mistake, the Democrats want to put us back on defense!”

“I don’t think we can vote, coach,” says Emily North-by-Northwest.

“Listen, the other team hates us,” says Coach Rudy Giuliani.  “And not because of anything bad we have done; it has nothing to do with Israel and Palestine. They hate us for the freedoms we have and the freedoms we want to share with the world.”

“Can’t we just play basketball?” says Mattie Hyphenated.

The team eventually breaks the huddle with a spirited “One… two… three… 9/11!!!” and takes the court.  They end up losing the game 55-47.

Next week Rudy’s Mustangs play the 3-5 Lasers, coached by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.  His coaching style is very unorthodox.  Apparently he can recall that there was a basketball game, but he can’t recall what happened during that game.

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