Who wants to play some motherfucking Plinko?!May 17, 2007
It’s Thursday down at the Bass-to-Bass, and that means half-off all formaldehyde margaritas. And I love me some tequila and embalming fluid, and so does Anonymous Doug and Bernie the half-cyborg cat.
“So you want to be the new host of The Price is Right?” Anonymous Doug says to me. We’re about three drinks in at this point when I declare this intention.
“Hells yeah,” I say. “Bob Barker’s leaving in like a couple weeks, and no one’s been named as the replacement host yet. I’ve been waiting years for this opportunity.”
“God damn Bob Barker!” yells Bernie the half-cyborg cat after lapping up the last of his margarita from his salt-rimmed bowl. “Have your pets spayed or neutered… fuck you! I like my balls and I’m gonna keep them, you genocidal prick.”
“I don’t think you’ve got the proper credentials to host the Price is Right,” says Anonymous Doug.
“I most certainly do,” I say. “I know how the Pricing Games work, I keep a hundred dollar bill in my pocket at all times for women to reach in and grab, and I have my own Plinko stick for when one of the chips get stuck.”
“If I went on television and told everyone to help control the human population, have your dumb-ass children spayed or neutered, they’d never let me back on,” says Bernie.
“I’m sorry, but you’re not Price is Right material,” says Anonymous Doug to me. “You hate people, and hating people only worked for Anne Robinson on The Weakest Link. The Price is Right is light and happy and cheerful… everything that you are not.”
“Well, maybe I can take the show in a whole new direction,” I say. “I can’t be more personable or friendly than Bob Barker, but I sure as El Santo can be a whole lot nastier and creepier.”
“And the worst part is he says all this spaying and neutering stuff is supposed to help the feline population,” says Bernie. “That’s wife-batterer logic, sir! And I for one will not stand for it.”
“I think there’s a better choice for host of the Price is Right,” says Anonymous Doug. “Someone who can be creepy and charming at the same time.”
I know who it is. “It’s Christopher Walken, isn’t it?”
“Barker beat up Adam Sandler in that movie as a ruse to win my confidence,” says Bernie. “But I know what he’s up to. He can’t fool me.”
“See, Walken would start the show by coming out and dancing, and everyone would be happy and cheering,” says Anonymous Doug, “but then once the game starts, things get creepy.”
This is where I break out my awful Christopher Walken impression, which I’m fortunate doesn’t carry over into print. “The price of the armoir… is 645 dollars. You win… Bertha. Now, come up here… come closer… we’re going to play… Super Ball.”
“Bob Barker thinks he can hide from me after 35 years of telling people to neuter my kind?” Bernie says. “Bullshit. His ass is mine.”
“Only Christopher Walken can make the Price is Right watchable once Bob Barker leaves,” says Anonymous Doug.
“And it would keep him from showing up in really bad movies, like Kangaroo Jack and Gigli,” I say. “I say we have one or two more drinks, then we get to writing letters to CBS.”
“And then we take down Bob Barker once and for all!” says Bernie.
Instead we ended up having six more drinks and defacing a library with our bodily fluids. But we won’t say which fluids we used.