Oh no! They finally came for us!June 18, 2007
This past week’s batch of blog posts had to be posted from a secret location out of town. I couldn’t tell you that until today.
Why? Well, it wasn’t due to Portuguese Intelligence stuff.
It’s because the Fighting Blitzens (US 7th Holiday Infantry Division) came to the conclusion that single unmarried men were a threat to Fathers’ Day. Luckily Jackal the NSA Agent who taps my phone tipped me off and I was able to get out of town with Mikka before the house-to-house searches started.
So Mikka and I get back into town and we go to have a couple pints down at the Bass-to-Bass. And while we’re on our third Lunger Lager (the beer that tastes like tuberculosis), Anonymous Doug comes walking into the bar looking miserable.
“Hey, it’s an Anonymous Doug!” I say. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“I got caught by the Fighting Blitzens and spent the week in a concentration camp, for being a threat to Fathers’ Day” says Anonymous Doug grumpily. “How did you guys evade capture?”
“We skipped town before the raids started,” I say. “I got tipped off ahead of time.”
“Well, thanks a lot for coming to get me, asshole,” Anonymous Doug barks. “You could have saved me a week of hell.”
“Yeah, why didn’t we?” says Mikka. “How did we not remember to bring Anonymous Doug?”
“Because everyone forgets about Anonymous Doug when he leaves the room,” I say. “Unless he’s physically there with you or you’ve got a picture of him in visual range, you forget he exists.”
“Damn it!” says Anonymous Doug. “For the first time in my life, my anonymous powers have screwed me over.”
We make it up to Anonymous Doug by buying him a drink. He’s still pissed off about being in GITMO Jr.
“I kept trying to tell them that I was a father,” says Anonymous Doug. “It’s just that I don’t live with any of those kids or their mothers. But they didn’t listen. They didn’t even want to look at my checkbook to see all the child support checks I write. They just cinched on those plastic handcuff things, put a bag over my head, and threw me in a van.”
“I wonder why the Fighting Blitzens haven’t been sent over to help with the surge in Iraq?” I ask.
“Maybe they don’t have holidays in Iraq?” says Mikka.
“No, they do,” I say. “It’s just that in Iraq they have more important things to worry about than whether their holidays are safe. Like not being maimed or killed.”
“Buy me another beer,” says Anonymous Doug. “They gave me a cavity search at GITMO Jr.”
An unwelcomed hand in your ass will almost always score you a free drink from someone. And in some bars it’s from the guy who put his hand in there in the first place.