The Young and the Restless Leg SyndromeJuly 26, 2007
So I’m watching that Hamas kids show again, and it looks like they replaced Palestinian Mickey Mouse with a giant flying bee. I’m disappointed, as the bee doesn’t speak Spanish or do any physical comedy like the giant bee guy on The Simpsons does. Why couldn’t terrorist Goofy take over the show?
Anyway, the show ends and the commercials come on and there’s an ad about Restless Leg Syndrome. I don’t really buy that it’s a real ailment, but I do recognize some of those symptoms in my life. Time for a visit to my general practicioner Doctor Fireman.
“So what makes you think you have Restless Leg Syndrome?” says the good doctor.
“Well, I don’t think it’s necessarily Restless Leg Syndrome,” I say. “I think it’s more like Restless Crotch Syndrome.”
“There’s no such thing as RCS,” says Doctor Fireman.
“Then why am I constantly humping my furniture?” I ask.
“Because you’ve got bigger problems than I think I can treat,” says Doctor Fireman.
“The recliner likes it when I spank it,” I say. “All my furniture is from IKEA, ’cause I like ‘em when they’re Scandinavian.”
“Maybe I can give you something to lessen your testosterone levels,” says Doctor Fireman.
“No, I need my testosterone,” I say. “My muscles and bones will lose their strength without it. And I need my muscles and bones at full working capacity for my workouts at that new unhealthy low self-esteem gym I belong to, ‘Am I Pretty Yet?’”
“Well… looks like we’ve found something I can treat to try and cure you of this so-called Restless Crotch Syndrome,” says Doctor Fireman.
So I walk out of Doctor Fireman’s office with an excessive amount of anxiety and depression pills, and some sort of nasal spray that helps get rid of shyness. Either this is all for allievating my numerous social problems that prevent me from successfully dating women, or the good doctor is trying to make me feel better about humping my own furniture. Just as long as I don’t get Restless Colon Syndrome…