She’s hot. What’s your excuse?August 28, 2007
We were watching Miss South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton during the Miss Teen USA pageant completely go vapid with a rambling response to a question about why Americans can’t find their own country on a map. Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat said that with his enhanced kitty-cat hearing he could actually hear Miss South Carolina’s cerebral cortex collapse on itself as she babbled about South Africa and Iraq even though the question had nothing to do with those countries. Bernie bet me five bucks she couldn’t find either of them on a map even if you spotted her a hemisphere. And oh, how we laughed.
And somewhere in America, Lance Patriarchy was laughing his ass off too.
But then came the news that US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was resigning and our laughter quieted down.
“Oh hell,” I said. “You don’t think…”
“Well, at least she wouldn’t be in charge of Homeland Security or FEMA,” Bernie said.
Sure enough, there’s Miss Teen South Carolina sitting before the Senate Judiciary Committee, fielding questions from senators about her qualifications for the job.
“I think that I would make a great General Attorney because… attorneys need generals… and they don’t have generals in… um… Iraq,” Miss Teen South Carolina said in response to a question by the ranking Republican senator on the committee Arlen Specter (R-PA). “We need to get attorneys to… not be less than the attorneys that we think they might be, or could be. In South Africa.”
“I just asked how you were doing,” said Senator Specter.
“I have a sash,” Miss Teen South Carolina replied.
“Well, she’s got my vote,” said Senator Specter. And the TV talking heads all declared her incoherent rambling to be a welcomed change from the normal “I can’t recall” that everyone else from the Justice Department who recently stood before a House or Senate committee kept repeating.
And while she lost the nomination on a 10-8 party-line vote, Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton would later be installed by President Bush as Attorney General by way of a recess appointment.
Mikka’s pissed off that he hasn’t been able to improve his station in life by saying really dumb things like Miss Teen South Carolina or Alberto Gonzales has. I feel his pain.