I can call you stupid for the rest of your lifeSeptember 24, 2007
“Hey Bernie,” I say to my half-cyborg feline friend as Captain Pat serves us our gin and juice. “Is the world flat?”
“What?” Bernie says, looking up from his saucer.
“Is the world flat?” I ask again.
“No… it’s rather round,” says Bernie. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I heard the dumbest thing on The View the other day,” I say. “Whoopi asked this new girl on the show Sherri Shepherd if the world was flat, and the new host said she didn’t know.“
Bernie’s face scrunched up to the side, like he was going to sneeze. But he didn’t sneeze. That’s just the face he makes when someone says something so dumb that his kitty brain tries to escape out of his face.
“Wha…?” Bernie said, slightly drooling.
“Sherri Shepherd said she didn’t know if the earth was round or flat,” I say. “And she tried to say that she never thought about whether the world was flat or not but she was thinking about how to feed her child and take care of her family.”
“She can’t do both?” Bernie says.
“Was she fired for being the dumbest person in America?” Bernie says, getting his brain back in his head.
“No, they let her back on the next day to explain herself,” I say. “She said she was just nervous and had a ‘brain-poopie moment.‘”
“That’s not a brain-poopie moment,” Bernie says. “Brain-poopie moments are when you lock your keys in your car or you walk out of the house wearing two different color socks. Not knowing that the Earth is round is a Brain-Whoops-I-Shit-In-My-Own-Mouth-For-A-Whole-Month moment.”
“Worst off is that the rest of the hosts accepted that explanation,” I say. “Especially that vapid Elisabeth Hasselbeck who approved of Sheri’s non-sequitur of how she never thought about if the Earth was flat but she did think about how to feed her child.”
“What is this ‘thinking of the children’ bullshit?” says Bernie. “Everyone I know who has a kid knows that Earth is round.”
“But even Hasselbeck knew the world was round, and she couldn’t outsmart a dead bear,” I say.
“How do those two get out of the house without setting themselves on fire?” Bernie said, shaking his little kitty head.
“I think they have a lot of help,” I say. “Hasselbeck’s married to the starting quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks so they can afford people to keep her from hurting herself. I’m not sure how Sherri keeps fire-free.”
“Someone call child services and take that Sherri woman’s kids away from her before she feeds them Drain-O,” says Bernie. “I can hear her telling the police ‘I never thought about if eating Drain-O was bad, but I’ll tell you want I have thought about: what are my children going to eat tonight.’ And then they throw her in the police car as they wheel her dead children out in sheet-covered gurneys.”
“It’s not like she confused some dates, or blurted something out in the heat of the moment, or was talking about something complicated that required knowing a lot of facts,” I say. “She was asked the simplest question anyone could ask about this planet and she blew it.”
“She outdumbed that Miss Teen South Carolina chick,” says Bernie.
“She may have even outdumbed Homeland Security Adviser Frances Townsend,” I say. “Is not knowing that the world is round worse than saying ‘Failure is just a succcess that hasn’t happened yet?’”
“I think actual stupidity beats out being willfully dumb to spin a story,” says Bernie. “Saying that failure is a success that hasn’t happened yet takes talent. Not knowing the world is round takes… I don’t know… a Terri Schiavo-like oatmeal brain.”
“Are globes rare in society these days?” I ask. “Because I think they’re a strong indicator of a round world.”
“Screw globes, just look at the logo for Universal Pictures,” says Bernie. “It’s the God Damn Earth!”
Just then we both hear a singular raucous cheer in the corner. We turn and see Lance Patriarchy sitting at a table with a quarter-full bottle of Tequila and twelve empty shot glasses in front of him.
“What are you so happy about?” I ask. “Do you want to punch Tom Friedman repeatedly in the groin too?”
“I’ve won!” Lance Patriarchy says, really wasted. “The war is over! V-W Day, man. Victory over women.”
“What are you talking about?” asks Bernie.
“Dude, how are women going to over throw my oppressive ways when a woman says on national television that she doesn’t know if the earth is flat or not?” says Lance Patriarchy. “And it was on a television show created by women for women, and a woman asked her the question. It’s the perfect Patriarchal storm! Anytime feminists start rising up and saying they want to be equals, I just point to that clip and, poof, they stand down. It’s like they dropped the atomic bomb on themselves.”
Congratulations to Sherri Shepherd and the rest of The View for ruining decades of gender-equality progress in less time than it takes to make Kraft Dinner. The physical embodiment of the Patriarchy thanks you for your efforts.