Keep it inside the lines or you’ll get molestedDecember 11, 2007
“Do kids still use coloring books?” I ask, stirring my rum and a different rum.
“Yeah, I think so,” says Anonymous Doug, pounding back a can of ClytemnestraBrau (Tina the Lesbian suggested it to him, tastes like the murderous fury of a Greek wife). “Why do you ask?”
“I don’t really remember learning anything from coloring books when I was a kid,” says Anonymous Doug. “Then again, when I was a kid every toy could have conceivably killed me. Sharp edges, swallowable parts, and all the lead paint I could eat.”
“I don’t find this a comforting development,” I say. “It’s pretty much the Catholic Church saying ‘Hey, we may try to molest you, here’s how to stop us.’ Am I only person who finds that troubling?”
“Well, they are sort of the experts when it comes to child predators,” Anonymous Doug says. “Sort of like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. You want to know how a serial killer operates, ask a serial killer. You want to know how a child molester works, give your local archdiocese a call.”
“Is there a companion piece that they give to the priests entitled “Kids: Don’t Grab Their Genitals?’” I ask. “Because I think that’s a more vital piece of literature than this coloring book.”
“What sort of nuggets of advice are in this coloring book?” asks Anonymous Doug. “Stuff like ‘if a priests asks if you want to touch his archbishop, run?’”
“No, it’s stuff like not being alone in a closed room with a priest,” I say.
“Dude, that’s what Confession is all about,” Anonymous Doug says. “It’s you in a dark booth with a priest on the other side of the wall, listening to you through a screen. I’d be surprised if the glory hole wasn’t invented in one of those confessionals.”
“I think the kids are safe in the confessional, as long as they have a parent or cop waiting outside for them,” I say.
With that resolved, we spend the rest of the night debating whether Confirmation has anything to do with child molestation. Anonymous Doug seems to think that it’s just a giant ceremony to let the priests know that these kids are too old to inappropriately touch. I tend to doubt it; I don’t think they’d call the bishop to come out just for that.
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