Kitty cat rave party!

Bernie the Half-Cyborg cat is in a pissy mood, and not just because he’s a cat and that’s what cats do. No, he’s pissy because he doesn’t glow in the dark like the cloned cats in South Korea do.

“I want to do that,” Bernie mopes. “Why can’t I do that?”

“Because you weren’t cloned using an altered fluorescence protein,” I say. “You were conceived and born just like a regular kitty cat.”

“Well, I want to glow in the dark,” Bernie says. “Call up Portuguese Intelligence and get them to put those fluorescence proteins in me.”

“I don’t think they can do that,” I say. “They’re too busy with the Ron Paul campaign.”

“Helping or hindering?” Bernie asks.

“Helping on even days, hindering on odd days,” I say. “It keeps the people looking for us off-guard and unsure.”

“My ability to glow in the dark is more important,” Bernie says. “Maybe if I ate a whole lot of barium?”

“What the hell would you do if you could glow in the dark?” I ask.

“For one thing, the sex with my wife would be awesome,” says Bernie. “We turn out the lights and I’m glowing like a frickin’ specter. It’s the closest to supernatural sex we’re ever going to get.”

“I never thought interspecies sex would become bland for you two,” I say. “But sorry, you don’t get to be your own glowstick. You’ll have to make due with just being a half-cyborg cat with rocket jets that come out of your hips and a laser cannon that rises from your hind quarters.”

Bernie still seems down, so I take him home for his mini Gatling gun attachment and we go hit the gun range. I help feed the belt of ammo and he sinks a hundred or so rounds into a target with a picture of Lassie hanging on it. It’s good to see him smiling again. And he looks so adorable with his little kitty safety glasses and ear protectors.

-rf

I’ve got a dalmation… I can still get high… I can play humor-blogs.com like a motherfucking riot…