It’s just Wheelchair Becky with a cape

Local superheroes Mercury Shadow and Crimson Paraplegic stopped over on my roof the other night for some Hot Toddy’s, and they had quite a story to tell.

“So this toy company gets the idea to make a superhero action figure of me,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “And they call a meeting to show me the prototype and get my thoughts on it.”

“And you find out that they’re not interested in your thoughts, they just want you to sign off on it and leave,” says Mercury Shadow, who as a veteran superhero knows the game.

“Which was totally the case here,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I get there and there’s these two grinning idiots in the board room with a box on the table. They do this whole song and dance about how much they like what I do and they hope they’ve captured my ‘noble spirit’ with this figure.”

“Sounds like a marketing term, noble spirit,” says Mercury Shadow.

“It’s pandering bullshit is what it is,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “So they make a big to-do about unveiling the toy, and I’m just floating there thinking ‘hurry this shit up, I’ve got to get back to my real job.’”

“So how bad did the toy look?” I ask.

And Mercury Shadow starts laughing.

“The stupid thing was in a wheelchair!” Crimson Paraplegic exclaims. “Same outfit, same cape, same mask… and it’s sitting in a frickin’ wheelchair. I don’t fight crime in a wheelchair!”

No she doesn’t. Her normal person alter ego is in a wheelchair. But her hero persona of Crimson Paraplegic can fly and hover and soar.

“I bet if you had heat vision you would have torched those two guys,” I say.

“Oh, she was frickin’ livid,” says Mercury Shadow.

“I just looked at these two idiots and told them to look at me,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I’m floating! I’m not in a chair. And they explain that they couldn’t make an action figure that floats, or has limp legs that it can’t stand on.”

“Like not being able to stand up on its own ever stopped an action figure from being produced,” I say. “They could have used a stand to hold your figure up.”

“That’s what I told them, but they said they wanted a figure that could stand on its own,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I was this close to splitting their table in half with my fist for that remark.”

“So, what did you do instead?” I ask.

“I just left,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “If I stayed any longer, I would have destroyed that building with my anger. What the hell is wrong with these people?”

“I guess you’ll just have to find another toy company to make the landmark crippled superhero toy you’ve been wanting to see for your whole life,” I say.

“I just hope Psychic Palsy doesn’t get an action figure before I do,” says Crimson Paraplegic, referring to the superhero in Wisconsin with the power to move objects with his mind and who also has spastic cerebral palsy.

We’re pulling for Crimson Paraplegic to get an action figure first, because we always root for the hometown girl. Especially when she can crush your skull with one hand.

-rf

We can’t stop here… this is humor-blogs.com country.