We’ll put you down for “other”

I was listening to NPR today, specifically the This American Lisp program, when I get a phone call from one of those pollsters. I’m not sure what polling organization he was representing, but I’m sure it didn’t matter. Anyway, he asks me who I’m voting for in this year’s Presidential Election.

“Um, I was just going to wait until the primaries were over,” I say. “No use in picking someone now who might not be in the running come November.”

“So you’re undecided?” says the pollster.

“Well, no, I kind of know who I want to vote for, I just don’t want to look dumb later if they don’t get the nomination,” I say.

“It’s not like we’re going to hold your choice against you,” says the pollster.

Yeah, right… I’ve heard that line before. I didn’t believe it when the last girl I dated said it, I’m sure as shit not going to believe it when some stranger on the phone says it.

“Maybe I can help you out here,” says the pollster. “What are you looking for in a candidate?”

I think about it for a moment before answering. “I’m looking for a candidate who will stab Chris Matthews in the throat.”

“You want a candidate who will stab MSNBC’s Chris Matthews in the throat?” the pollster repeats to make sure he heard me right.

“Correct,” I say. “I’m not picky on what is used, just as long as it can properly stab him in the throat.”

“Any particular reason why him and not Wolf Blitzer or Bill O’Reilly?” asks the pollster.

“Because we are dumber as a nation whenever he opens his mouth,” I say. “I know there are dumber and crazier pundits on TV and radio, but unlike those raving lunatics Matthews tries to come across as a respectable thinker and he’s really not. So the Presidential candidate who stabs him in the throat will show me that they have the leadership qualities needed to lead this country. That’s why I can’t vote for Hillary Clinton, because she’s has ample opportunities to sink a blade into his trachea and she hasn’t.”

“I don’t think you’re going to find a candidate who will do that to Chris Matthews,” says the pollster.

“What about Tim Russert?” I say. “I’ll settle for that asshole getting one in the throat.”

The pollster doesn’t think any current Presidential candidate will stab anyone in the throat, regardless of whether they work for NBC or not.

“What about vice-presidential candidates?” I ask. “The President might not stab Chris Matthews or Tim Russert in the throat, but maybe that’s really a job for vice-presidents.”

“Well, we don’t know who the vice-presidential candidates are yet,” says the pollsters.

“I know Rudy Giuliani will pick 9/11 as his vice-president,” I say. “But 9/11 can’t stab anyone in the throat.”

*silent pondering*

“What about John McCain’s Vietnam Flashbacks?” I say, referring to the senator from Arizona’s time as a POW. “You think he could flip out at a debate and shove a sharpened piece of bamboo into Matthews or Russert’s neck? I would definitely vote for him then.”

The pollster hangs up on me. Apparently my views are not poll-worthy.

-rf

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