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Rebate? Is that like masturbating again?

January 29, 2008

Since the American economy is in the shitter these days, the government is giving everyone in America a tax rebate. The thinking is that if you give everyone like $600 to single people or up to $1200 to families they’ll spend it right away and then everything will be all right. But considering that the average American has negative savings, meaning that they spend more than they actually take in, there’s a good chance many of them will just sit on the money or use it to pay off some debts and we’ll still be fucked.

Actually, I’m rooting for some sort of economic downturn (despite the hit my 401K will be taking). And like most things I root for, I’m rooting for it out of spite. I want to see if someone on one of those financial business cable channels will commit suicide on the air. I want to turn on CNBC just as Jim Cramer puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger like he’s Bud Dwyer because things have gone so bad on Wall Street. That’s an episode of Mad Money everyone would want to watch. I want to turn on FOX Business and see Neil Cavuto kick over the chair he’s standing on and hang himself from the studio lighting grid with a mic cord wrapped around his chubby sociopathic neck.

Where does this sort of spite arise from? For one thing, they and their cohorts on these business channels have been telling us for years everything was all right when it wasn’t. And this did this solely for the sake of money. See, to work on one of these business channels as either a host or financial pundit, you have to must surrender your soul fully to the God of Currency. Worker safety, paying a livable wage to workers, human rights, any sense of moral decency… these are anathema to the people on these business channels. “Oh, this product causes face cancer in babies? Oh, sucks to be a baby! Guffaw guffaw!” they would say, “But at least the company’s stock’s up three and a quarter.” Watch any cable financial show and you’ll come to the unshakable conclusion that these pundits would skullfuck their own children if it would turn a profit for their portfolios. And if you can think of a way to convince your son or daughter that you gouging out their eye with your dick and repeatedly violating their ocular socket until sticky completion is the right thing to do, then by the most holy prophet Muhammad you are truly the most brilliant person to walk the Earth ever. Fuck the guy who invented fire.

So what am I doing with my rebate? In the large scheme of things $600 bucks ain’t much. Maybe I’ll spend it in another country, just to show my displeasure with my government. So I can point at Congress and the White House and yell “Yeah, you bitches, motherfucking Denmark has your money now!” But considering how weak the dollar has been recently against the Euro (and the Canadian loonie) I won’t be getting much out of Denmark for $600US. Hmm… well, at least I can still get more than my dollar’s worth in Australia. I could use a research retreat with nursemyra.

-rf

Humor-blogs.com rules everything around me. Get the money… dollar dollar bill y’all…

4 comments

  1. renalfailure….. come on down :-)


  2. Damn I love a good rant, and moreso when it’s bang on! These financial “news” channels are there to help churn the market and keep stylish the suits they invite on air.


  3. I love it! I just wrote about this the other day too, except my title wasn’t nearly as clever. Anyway, obviously I agree with you 87.5%. (I would normally say I agree 100% but the recession is taking its toll.)


  4. well whats a cranial insertion between family, I’m sure their kids are well informed of how important the dollar is.



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