Anonymous Mom

Anonymous Doug had a hard childhood.

See, when you’re born anonymous like Doug was, it’s hard for your parents to remember that they even have a child to take care of. And it was tougher on Doug because he was raised by a single mother. Apparently his Dad was anonymous too.

And so anytime Anonymous Doug was out of his mom’s sight, she would totally forget she had a son. Baby Doug would be crying in his crib at night and his mom would be lying in her bed, wasted off Jagermeister as usual, trying to figure out where that sound was coming from.

“It sounds like it coming from my house,” she would say to herself. “But that can’t be. I don’t have a baby.”

Eventually she would get up, follow the sound to Doug’s room, and then it would all come back to her.

Now that was all well and good if Doug just needed changing, but if he needed to be fed and she didn’t bring Doug with her to the kitchen, she would find herself warming a bottle of milk and not know why. Then she’d dump out the milk and go back to bed until the crying returned, and the cycle would continue until she brought him with her.

And this was when Doug’s mom even had milk or food for him, which wasn’t very often. We’re not quite sure whether that was because of Doug’s Anonymous powers, or because she was a rotten parent and a stinking drunk.

But Doug survived his toddler years, thanks to having a nosy older sister whose constant annoying presence around him gave Doug a fighting chance of being remembered, and possibly cared for.

School was another matter. Doug learned quickly the nuances of taking the bus to and from school and not getting bent out of shape if Mom wasn’t waiting for him at the bus stop. And he learned not to be disappointed if no one came to see him in the school play. But the fact that his teachers kept introducing him as a new student EVERY SINGLE DAY really got on his last nerve, and was probably the main reason why he started drinking at age seven.

But soon Anonymous Doug learned about his powers and how to use them for his own benefit. He stole a Polaroid camera from a store and used it to paper his house with his picture as to remind his mom that she had two kids, not just one. But he made sure that there were no photos of him in any classroom at school, so he could skip class, drink stolen beer, and throw rocks at ducks all day.

Let’s just say puberty and the teenage years were much better to Doug and leave it at that. I don’t feel like having yet another blog post read like a summary of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode, or one of those Lifetime for Women Victim of the Week movies.

Blame it on humor-blogs.com that was falling, falling… blame it on the stars that did shine at night… whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you…