Stop me before I win againApril 7, 2008
In 2006, our district voted Matt Rotary-Phone (D) to the US House of Representatives, much to his dismay. See, he explained to me that the Democratic party had been throwing elections for years, and that most elections are just to keep up appearances, hiding the fact that we are doomed as a nation from the general population. The problem was that Congressman Rotary-Phone’s Republican opponent was a scandal-plagued pervert who didn’t want to go back to the House because all of his screw-ups would finally get exposed in a Democratic-controlled Congress. And so Congressman Rotary-Phone was reluctantly sworn into office.
But now it’s 2008, and the election in November gives Congressman Rotary-Phone a chance to get out of government and back into the private sector. But problems have arisen…
Despite missing a lot of votes in the House, there is no primary election opponent for him. And even worse, the Republicans aren’t bothering to run anyone against him in the general election either.
“I was so prepared to tank that election,” Congressman Rotary-Phone says to me. “I had a great plan. I hired the most fucking useless people on Earth to run my campaign.”
“The writers of National Review magazine?” I say.
“Worse, Democratic consultants,” says Congressman Rotary-Phone. “James Carville, Paul Begala, Donna Brazile, Bob Shrum, Mark Penn… you want to lose an election, hire one of them. I’ve passed kidney stones that were more useful.”
“Didn’t some of them work for Bill Clinton when he ran for President?” I say.
“Bill hired them to handicap himself to make the elections close,” says Congressman Rotary-Phone. “But Bob Shrum was like 0-for-8 in Presidential elections, and John Kerry hired him in 2004. Carville, Begala, and Brazile just sit on CNN all day and contribute less to society than bowel cancer. And Mark Penn is doing all he can to make sure Hillary Clinton loses.”
“So Hillary really doesn’t want to be president?” I say.
“None of the Democratic candidates want to be President,” says Congressman Rotary-Phone. “But circumstances have brought them to the cusp of unwanted victory. Obama was betting Americans wouldn’t vote for a black president, and he was wrong. First time ever underestimating the American people has failed. And that newbie had no idea of the power of Democratic consultants to completely fuck things up for a candidate. But Hillary knew that and that’s why she’s in the position she’s in. Losing and happy to be losing.”
“So is McCain trying not to be president too?” I ask.
“Of course, he still doesn’t know how he wrapped up the Republican nomination this quickly,” says Congressman Rotary-Phone. “But everyone else flamed out before McCain could flicker out. Romney, Huckabee, Guiliani, Fred Thompson… they all ducked out and left Johnny with the bill.
“Sort of how like everyone else left you unchallenged for your House seat,” I say.
“Those bastards…” says Congressman Rotary-Phone. “Sad thing about McCain is that he’s really trying to lose now by saying stupid shit. But the problem is that all those idiot reporters just love sucking his dick. He could tell them Al Qaeda is looking to steal all of our pancakes and not a damn reporter or pundit would even blink twice about it.”
I can’t argue with that. Most political reporters tend to be useless like that.
“A fucking storm is coming, man,” says the Congressman. “Economic shit, war shit… it’s all coming due. And I really do not want to be at the wheel of this ship to take the blame when all this comes down. There ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about it either. Fend for yourselves, man.”
That’s a hell of a campaign slogan… “Fend for Yourselves: Vote Matt Rotary-Phone for Congress.”
I’m the man in the box… buried in my humor-blogs.com… won’t you come and save me…