I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not wearing shoes

There was a story recently about how people tend be more discriminatory when it comes to weight than race, that weightism is more widespread than racism. It’s a bit of an odd comparison, considering you can’t do much of anything about the race you were born as, whereas weight is changeable and manageable.

No, weightism compares more to my own personal and primary bias: shoeism.

Yes, I admit it.  I’m less likely to have a favorable opinion of someone if they’re wearing sandals or flip-flops (thongs to our non-American audience) than if they’re wearing shoes, meaning something that covers their toes. Unless you’re at the beach, a swimming pool, on a boat, leaving a gym or communal shower, or tooling around in the privacy of your own home there’s no reason to wear flip-flops or sandals. I see it as just being lazy. And if you’re too lazy to wear actual shoes, what else are you lazy about?

It’s also a tacit admission that if not for society’s demands for footwear (no shirt, no shoes, no service) you’d rather be barefoot all the time. And history has shown that respect and victory is earned by those with the better footwear. Example: When the American Civil War is discussed, the beaten and defeated Confederate troops are often described during their retreat marches as not even having shoes. You never read about the victorious Union troops not having shoes.

Shoes are power, and from power comes respect. Otherwise, why would “barefoot and pregnant” be an insult to women?

Also, wearing sandals conveys a sense of presumed over-familiarity that I’m uncomfortable with. Why do you think everyone want to see your nasty grody toes? Just because you got a pedicure and a paint job? Yeah, I don’t want to see your toes in public just like how you don’t want to see the unsightly third nipple on Tag Larkin’s back.

Note: don’t mention the third nipple to Tag Larkin. He’s very touchy about it.

Oh, but flip-flops are comfortable, people may say. A lot of things are comfortable, like having my genitals flapping free and unobstructed by any fabric. But that’s not something people want to see down at the supermarket, or so the police so have helpfully explained to me on several occasions. And also the southern part of the United States felt very comfortable segregating blacks and making them second-class citizens, so don’t speak to me about comfort, you sandal-wearing racist. Jim Crow wore Birkenstocks!  Let’s burn Atlanta again!

Wait… focus on the shoes… okay, continue…

And if you’re wearing sandals and pants you get double the bias because I can’t comprehend why it is cold enough to wear pants but not cold enough to wear shoes.

I’m not picky about what shoes people wear, just as long as they wear something to cover their nasty toes in public. Chucks? Fine. Keds? Good. Those ballerina flats? Still good. Even UGG’s are more preferable than sandals. Crocs, on the other hand, confuse the hell out of me. I’m not quite sure what they are. As of now, I only see them being okay when worn by members of the medical community, like nurses or dentists or surgeons.

Also: if a woman is wearing knee-high boots I will listen intensely to anything she says. It’s the same with a woman in thigh-high boots, but that’s usually because I’ve paid her handsomely for privilege of following her orders.

Moms tell their daughters to always check a man’s shoes, but I find you don’t have to be a daughter to know that is solid advice for everyone you happen to meet.

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