Better Know a Renal Player: Psycho DaveSeptember 5, 2008
Psycho Dave’s been around from the beginning, doing what he does best: being Psycho Dave. That involves trowing abortion parties, telling women they don’t know what being a dork means, and asking grade schoolers to show their tits.
Psycho Dave is a man with a plan. If abortion is outlawed in America, he’s prepared to become a Forensic Vagina Specialist. He figured out a way for me and him to fight prostate cancer by getting drunk and possibly having sex with a 19-year old girl. He’s got a Plan C for contraception while others only have a Plan B. He got a good way to prevent an asteroid from destroying all life on Earth using the rules of the schoolyard, and he also had a plan to stop illegal immigration by keeping Americans out of Mexico.
Psycho Dave is also a man of action, like when he wanted to go to war with Lebanon. Lebanon, Pennsylvania. He is lobbying for the secret CIA torture prisons in Europe to be brought home to America so that hard-working American can get those well-paying torture jobs (and invent purely American ways to torture people too). And for as creepy with kids as Psycho Dave can be, he likes killing convicted child molesters because he can get away with it.
My issue with Psycho Dave is that he keeps breaking into my house. He uses my shower. He sits in my kitchen, usually wearing just an apron, or wielding a broadsword while threatening to behead Democratic party superdelegates so he can absorb their votes. He writes science fiction novels while on my toilet.
But Psycho Dave has limits. For one thing, he doesn’t want to be an astronaut anymore. Think tanks won’t hire him to debunk global warming, but the Pentagon will give him lucrative defense contracts. He’s not good at job interviews, so he wanted me to apply to be the US War Czar just so he would know what to look for when he applied for the position.
There was the time Psycho Dave tried to break all of the Vatican’s Driving Commandments in one day. He enjoys pizza and porno at the same time. Psycho Dave once attempted to cure autism with blended kitten paste, but I wouldn’t loan him my blender. He has “rescued” photographs by burning down a PhotoMat, and tried to make people in India pay for mundane American experiences.
What does the future hold for Psycho Dave? Maybe cornering the ceramic penis market in Portugal, or having sex with various mothers to achieve energy independence for America.
Or does Psycho Dave even exist? Ever notice that he really doesn’t talk to anyone but me?
The plot always thickens here at Renal Failure… especially when there’s hot girls in boots in the room. Man, does it thicken then!
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