Bitterness is the cover of a weekly periodicalApril 8, 2009
If you remember last month our local superhero with non-functioning legs Crimson Paraplegic finally got to be in her own super group, teaming up with Dragon Dyslexic and Anxiety Girl to form the Disability Trinity. They even scored an important victory over a secret left-handed cabal of villainy their first time out too.
Unfortunately for our power trio because the captured villains in that previous plot went into witness protection, no press was allowed to cover this initial victory for the Disability Trinity, thus leaving the populace unaware of the group’s actions.
And this really pisses off Crimson Paraplegic because the group she and her squad mates had been rejected from, the Super Six Sorority, are on the cover of this week’s issue of Time Magazine. Apparently the Super Six had stopped a 50-foot Cliff Richard from destroying Europe. Why someone would make a 50-foot Cliff Richard or give him burning laser eyes is unknown. Perhaps it was a secret MI-6 weapon against Islamic terrorism gone horribly wrong, or perhaps it was aliens who really dug Devil Woman. Point is the Super Six Sorority saved Europe and now they’re having their day in the sun, much to Crimson Paraplegic’s chagrin.
“Look at these grinning idiots,” says Crimson Paraplegic, smacking the back of her hand against the magazine cover. She has stopped over on my roof for some late night cocktails. “I could have easily taken down that 50-foot Cliff Richard myself. I once took down a 35-foot Anne Murray while on vacation in Ontario.”
As I ponder who keeps making giant versions of popular singers from before I was born, I take a look at the magazine cover to finally see who the Super Six Sorority actually are. There’s Radiant Gale, the perky blonde half-naked tornado summoner and leader of the group; Doctor Bollywood, the Mumbai mechanical genius in a metal suit; TelePortia, who can teleport herself anywhere; La Indestructa, the undefeated Mexican women’s luchadore champion; Garnet Ghost, who can pass through solid objects; and finally Deaf Leopard, the hearing-impaired sonic spotted speedster with razor sharp claws who sold out Crimson Paraplegic to get on the team.
“They’re getting an endorsement deal from Reebok and a photo spread in Maxim Magazine next month,” Crimson Paraplegic ruefully says. “Meanwhile I’m barely making the rent and Anxiety Girl has to beg every bank and government agency she can find for college loans.”
“TelePortia looks pretty hot,” I say. “She’s looks like Appolonia from The Godfather, except she can teleport away from car bombs.”
“But who wears hot pants and a cape? Seriously?” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Look at Garnet Ghost’s new outfit. She never showed off her midriff before. And Deaf Leopard’s never had her cat-suit half-zipped like that before. Christ, it’s like they let socially-stunted comic book man-boys design their new Super Six uniforms.”
“That must be why they get all the endorsement deals,” I say. “But why does Deaf Leopard’s headpiece have ears on it. I thought she couldn’t hear.”
“Aesthetic reasons, because earless cats frighten children,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Oh, and look at El Indestructa! She’s practically shoving her crotch at the camera. Did they airbrush the moose knuckle out?”
“Who watches the Watchmen?” I say. “If they’re hot like this, a lot of guys will.”
“With how high cut those briefs are, it’s more like the Snatchmen,” says Crimson Paraplegic, then she laughs at how clever that sounds.
So now Crimson Paraplegic has taken to calling the Super Six Sorority “The Snatchmen,” and that has her smiling and in a good mood again. She wants so bad to tell that to Radiant Gale’s face, and then kick her the vagina. Who Snatches the Snatchmen indeed.