Seven Samurai… but six are married to each otherApril 9, 2009
Samurai Cathy was walking back from the store when Sean and Lucia Wheatley spotted her, and Cathy knew she couldn’t out run them without dropping her bags of rice and sake.
“We need your help!” exclaims Lucia Wheatley. “We’re in great danger.”
“The last time you wanted my help, it was to slay the Tyrant King Porn Dragon that inspired Jews into the devious worlds of porno and prostitution,” says Samurai Cathy. “That dragon doesn’t exist. I looked it up.”
“We were following credible intelligence,” says Sean Wheatley. “But this new danger is all too real and tangible, and we desperately need your protection from it.”
“And we’ll pay generously for your services,” says Lucia.
Samurai Cathy knows better than to ask what the Wheatleys need protection from, but the recession has hit the ronins-for-hire industry pretty hard. “All right… what is it?”
“We need you to protect us from gay marriage,” says Sean.
“Once the gay marriage juggernaut sets its eyes on our blessed union, we’re doomed,” says Lucia. “It’s going to destroy our marriage like Gallagher destroys watermelons. But we won’t be laughing!”
“We must defend our marriage from the gay Sledge-o-matic at any cost!!” says Sean.
“I’m not killing any judges or legislators,” says Samurai Cathy. “You’ll want Ninja Vicki for that.”
“Isn’t she gay?” says Sean. “She’s always hanging out with Tina the Lesbian, and we never hear anything about her going on dates with men.”
“Well… there was that one date with Tag Larkin,” Samurai Cathy says before realizing she’s defending her archenemy. “But forget about Victoria. How exactly am I supposed to defend you from gay marriage?”
“Can’t you fend it off with your sword?” says Lucia. “Science says gays and swords have nothing in common. Surely that means gays are afraid of swords.”
“Yeah, just take out your sword whenever gay marriage gets uncomfortably close to our marriage, and it should make the gay menace recede and stop threatening us,” says Sean.
“How about you buy your own sword?” says Samurai Cathy.
“We don’t know how to properly wield a sword,” says Lucia. “Gays will be emboldened by our lack of sword-skills and then they’ll really come after us.”
“I can train you,” says Samurai Cathy.
“How long will that take?” says Sean.
“I don’t know… six months to a year,” says Samurai Cathy.
“Not soon enough,” says Lucia. “Gay marriage is moving too fast, like a homosexual blitzkrieg of rainbow colored panzer tanks across France. We need protection now, not when the queer Fuhrer has already planted his rainbow flag on the ruins of our marriage.”
“So now I have to fight tanks?” says Samurai Cathy. “Are you telling me a gay Field Marshall Rommell is coming to destroy your marriage?”
“He very well could be,” says Sean.
It’s at this point that Samurai Cathy’s endurance for this insanity has started to fail her. Luckily for her this is the Easter and Passover season, and she remembered watching The Ten Commandments on TV on Sunday. So she tells the Wheatley’s to paint their doorways with lamb’s blood so that the gay Nazi angel of death will “pass over” their house and not kill their marriage, and that seems to placate the Wheatleys for now. So let it be fabricated, so let it be done.