Bad fashion sense is not a disabilityJune 16, 2009
America’s newest superhero squad, the Disability Trinity (featuring our local superhero Crimson Paraplegic), has gathered to address an issue vital for their elevation to the elite level or superhero groups: getting a decent costume for Anxiety Girl, as her costume right now is a soccer uniform with sneakers. Crimson had a designer friend of hers draw up a conceptual outfit to show, and like with every design there were a few issues.
“Why do I need a cape?” asks Anxiety Girl, the mousy 17-year old with the power to create fear-fueled force fields to keep people away from her.
“Because we have capes,” says Dyslexic Dragon, the Batman of the group if Batman had a learning disorder.
“And having a uniform look makes people think you’re well-organized and respectable,” says Crimson Paraplegic.
“But capes get caught on things,” says Anxiety Girl. “Didn’t you see ‘The Incredibles?’ You put a cape on me and that’s all I’m going to be worrying about.”
“But worrying is what gives you your powers, so what’s the problem?” says Crimson Paraplegic.
“Okay, fine, I’ll wear the cape,” says Anxiety Girl. “But forget the boots. I’m keeping the high-top sneakers.
“Boots are superheroes for mandatory,” says Dragon Dyslexic. “Shit, you know what I mean. Boots display authority and power.”
“The Incredible Hulk doesn’t wear shoes,” says Anxiety Girl.
“Because he’s massive muscular tank of rage with the intelligence of toilet paper,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “And he keeps breaking his shoes.”
“Plus a pair of Reeboks with a Lycra bodysuit is just going to look ridiculous,” says Dragon Dyslexic.
“That’s another problem,” says Anxiety Girl. “I’m really not feeling the whole spandex bodysuit idea.”
“Well you certainly can’t pull off a vinyl or leather catsuit,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Squeezing into one of those suits is a superpower in itself, let alone having it look flattering.”
“You may have a point,” says Dragon Dyslexic to Anxiety Girl. “Crimson’s already in a bodysuit. How about a skirt like SuperGirl has? Think you could pull that off?”
“Only if I can wear tights under it,” says Anxiety Girl.
“Yeah, you don’t want to be flashing your panties off to everyone like some sort of anime heroine,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Hey, remember that time Magma Woman got caught going commando and ended up flashing her vag during a fight with Professor Panda Bear? They just stopped fighting and went home, that’s how awkward it was.”
“And if I wear the skirt and tights I can keep the sneakers, right?” says Anxiety Girl. “I did give in on the cape thing.”
“Sneakers and a cape are going to make you look like a bad cosplay girl,” says Crimson Paraplegic.
“Or it could get us a sponsorship from Nike or Adidas,” says Anxiety Girl.
And thus Anxiety Girl got to keep her high-tops because shoe endorsements are the pinnacle of sponsorship deals, even for superheroes.