Quitting is just participating from a distanceJuly 7, 2009
So Sarah Palin is quitting being governor of Alaska at the end of the month. Or I think that’s what she’s doing. I watched her speech on the matter and really couldn’t understand what she was saying. At some point during her rambling I was under the impression she was joining the WNBA as a point guard, or that her Down’s Syndrome baby Trig was going to be given the governorship, or that she too was going to fly down to Argentina to bang some other woman.
(side note: this is just another example of why you don’t pick fights with Tag Larkin by stealing his question answering technique and naming your kids Trig and Track, because not only does Tag Larkin always win, he will win the shit out of you.)
So for further insight I hit up someone who has experience in leaving political office early: the pimptastic senator from Mississippi Trent Lott. He left the Senate in 2007 after winning reelection in 2006 to go into lobbying, and because being in the minority party is just no damn fun.
“Fuck if I know what she’s doing,” T-Lott says. “When I left office I didn’t say I was gonna change shit. I said, ‘Fuck y’all, I’m makin’ money.’ That’s what I did. Chickenhead here is talkin’ crazy.”
“She’s pretty much saying the best thing for Alaska is for her not to be in charge of running it,” I say. “I’m not sure how you can spin that in your favor, but doggone it she’s going to give it a try.”
“She’s not even out of her first term,” says T-Rizzy. “I had three full terms under my belt before leaving in the middle of my fourth.”
“Her basketball analogy doesn’t even make sense,” I say.
“A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.”
“But she’s not passing the ball,” I say. “She’s walking off the court and quitting the sport.”
“So she’s looking at the basket and the ball at the same time?” says Trent Dogg. “No, no, sorry but my years hustling ballers out on the blacktop have taught me that you don’t look at the ball when you’re dribbling because some chump’s gonna strip you clean and make you look dumb.”
“Then there was her line about when she visited the troops in Kosovo,” I say. … we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they’re bold, they don’t give up… “Unlike her who is giving up at a press conference on a Friday afternoon right before Independence Day.”
“I just hope with all her free time she don’t come looking to hang out with me,” says T-to-the-Rizzent. “Because Ol’ Dirty Bastard- God rest his soul – ain’t got nothin’ on Sarah Palin when it comes to crazy-ass shit. I see her number come up on my cellie, I’m making like the Frank family. Your ass ain’t gonna see me. Fuck it, I’ll flip that shit. I’ll make like a Nazi war criminal and hide in Argentina like my cracka Mark Sanford. Get us some phat drinks and some Argentine hotties. Represent the dirty south in South America, ya feel me?”
“So what the hell is she going to do now that she’s not governor?” I say. “Does she need all this time to get ready for the 2012 Presidential election? Does she think she’s Nixon? At least he spent four years in the House, three in the Senate, and eight as Vice-President before going into the wilderness for eight years.”
“Palin ain’t got shit on Nixon,” Notorious L.O.T.T. says. “Nixon was the motherfuckin’ game. Nixon ran his shit from the windows to the motherfuckin’ walls. Nixon shits on Palin. Nixon’s left nut’s got more savvy than Palin, and that nut’s been dead and buried for 15 years.”
“Nixon also thought abortion was all right regarding interracial pregnancies,” I say. “And that Jews had a death wish.”
“Shit, dawg, Palin can’t even pronounce interracial,” says Trent-Pac.
We’re not sure what Sarah Palin is going to do in the near future, but we’re pretty sure it will be incomprehensible.