Save the Cheerleader, Save Yourself a Torn ACLSeptember 23, 2009
An recent article in the Wall Street Journal posed the following question: What is the point of cheerleading? The article was mainly about how dangerous cheerleading is and how many injuries occur from it, but I wanted an answer to the question posed in the headline so I gathered up a focus group.
First the women… what is the point of cheerleading?
“Why are you asking me? I hated the cheerleaders at my high school and I hated our sports teams even more.” says Ninja Vicki. I then explain I asked her because she and the cheerleaders have similar athletic prowess. “Ooh, some perky bitch can do a bunch of flippy shit. Big motherfucking whoop. Wake me when they can do that while swinging a sword and throwing ninja stars into people’s faces.”
“If there’s no cheerleaders, who will high school jocks date?” says Tina the Lesbian. “High school runs on a strict social ladder and exceeding your reach upward or downward on its rungs will not be tolerated by the powers that be.”
“Because it keeps those girls out of the band,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, who played the flute in high school.
“Chairlaedars ar’ fahkin’ useless as a twat en me elba,” Marlie says, halfway through her usual coffee pot of whiskey. “Ya dan’t see pam-pam wavin’ tarts like that at a Manchesta U match. Ef ya spart neads ‘alf-nekked cunts ta get ya ta cheer fa’ ya’ team, it’s ballacks. Utta fahkin’ ballacks.”
“Well, what other outlet is there for tiny, easily throwable young women?” says Samurai Cathy. “They’re certainly not suited for basketball or field hockey.”
And now the guys…
“Seeing a cheerleader flip head over heels in a short skirt is the closest most of us got to seeing a girl’s underwear in high school,” says Mikka. “You can look at all the panties you want in a Victoria’s Secret Catalog, but there’s nothing like seeing it live.”
“Without cheerleaders we’d lose the second-most popular costume for bedroom role-playing,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. The most popular being Catholic school girl. Rounding out the top five are Nurse, French Maid, and Wonder Woman.
“Because who else am I supposed to whack off to at a high school football game?” says Anonymous Doug. “The color guard? Please…”
Tag Larkin was not available for comment because no one wants to talk to him until he stops doing his Kanye West/Joe Wilson interruptions, so I called upon the living embodiment of male oppression Lance Patriarchy to throw in his two cents on the issue.
“Well, I mandate cheerleading in the world for objectification purposes,” says Lance Patriarchy. “Then over the past couple decades women got it in their heads that if they added acrobatics to it they could stop being just a tits and ass show. Didn’t really work, so now not only does cheerleading continue objectifying women it also gives them brutal injuries. But hey, whatever perpetuates my reign, right?”
Maybe a group of people who didn’t have the best time in high school was a poor choice for this question. But then again, they’re the only people I can tolerate listening to.