Please do not let this isolated incident lead you to attempting to conquer the EarthOctober 6, 2009
Our local superhero Crimson Paraplegic is doing surprisingly well in these poor economic times. And it’s not because she’s doing anything more or different in her superhero life either, or that she got a raise at her regular job at the local library. No, it has to do with news story such as this where the cops tasered the shit out of a legless man in a wheelchair.
“The government agency in charge of superheroes are always cautious about events that could cause one of us to turn to super-villainy,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “So anytime there’s a story about handicapped people being abused, say by law enforcement, they send me stuff to make sure I don’t decide to turn against them.”
Last year when there was that story about the sheriff’s deputy who dumped a quadriplegic man out of his wheelchair to the floor, the government paid for Crimson Paraplegic’s rent for a year.
“I’m getting a 42-inch plasma HD TV and a Blu-Ray player out of this,” Crimson says, referring to the current tasering of a wheelchair-bound person.
I question the prudence of government money being spent to keep Crimson Paraplegic happy about events that she may or may not be distressed about, but apparently placating superheroes so they don’t become supervillains is a serious issue with a bloody history.
In the late 50′s-early 60′s there was a superhero known as Super Shamrock, who at the time was the only Irish Catholic superhero licensed in America at the time. It is said the assassination of Irish Catholic President John F. Kennedy made him question whether America would ever accept his type of people. The shooting of Robert F. Kennedy five years later convinced him that America was an enemy of his kind and had to be destroyed. He changed his name to Celtic Crusher and joined Viper Club, an international gentleman’s club of villainy. Celtic Crusher’s sensitive information about our nation’s superheroes allowed the Viper Club to wipe out half of them, thus not allowing President Nixon to use them in the war in Vietnam. Thus the government began programs to monitor the mental well-being of their superheroes to catch a potential allegiance shift before it was too late.
(Note: Celtic Crusher died in 1982 from AIDS, because though he was a supervillain he still adhered to the Catholic belief of not using condoms.)
“Next time someone in a wheelchair gets tasered by the cops I hope I can get one of those new iPhones out of it,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Or at least the complete series of House on DVD.”
The government spends a lot on bullshit, but buying Crimson Paraplegic stuff so she doesn’t destroy the country because handicapped people like her get fucked over is a pretty good use of taxpayers’ money.