This glory hole will get you highNovember 9, 2009
Disappointment abound this week. I’m disappointed that Feather Healer’s reunion tour won’t be coming to my area, and Tina the Lesbian’s disappointed in the injustice that gay marriage got voted down by ballot referendum last week in Maine, though she takes solace that they only lost 53-47 this time out. She takes less solace in the fact that Maine’s citizens voted in favor of expanding medical marijuana use in their state.
“This is why civil rights issues should not be decided by popular vote,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I thought we’d win this one.”
“But now you know what the gay marriage movement needs to do next time,” I say. “You need to link gay marriage and marijuana.”
“What?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Marijuana is obviously more popular than gay marriage,” I say. “If you can piggyback gay marriage onto the marijuana bandwagon, I’d say you stand a better chance of winning a ballot referendum.”
“But we’ve already got the stoner vote,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Potheads don’t care if gay people get married.”
“You need to target old people who want pot for glaucoma and chemotherapy,” I say. “Those are the only potheads who would get high and be against gay marriage.”
“All right… how do we do that?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“You need a campaign targeting old people saying Let’s Make a Deal,” I say. “And the deal is that if you vote for gay marriage being legal, the homosexual community will score you some really good weed.”
“So we’d be smoking up old people in exchange for their support legalizing gay marriage?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Old people may think Jesus saves, but Jesus doesn’t bring nuggets of kind bud to allievate their rheumatoid arthritis,” I say. “After a while of getting high of your lesbian weed they start thinking maybe the gays really aren’t hellbound monsters if they’re providing such good pot. Then it’s only a matter of time until they say ‘Oh, why don’t we help that nice lesbian who gets us high get married?’ Ballot referendum comes up, old people go to the polls, Bob’s your Uncle, and you can get married to your roller derby dream girl.”
“Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t have to smoke people up to end segregation in the south,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“He also got beaten by cops, doused by fire hoses, wiretapped by the FBI, and eventually shot,” I say. “Now you can do all that… or, you can start growing awesome Cheech and Chong-like weed and pass it out at retirement homes.”
Tina said she’d take the idea into consideration, just like how the Mexican consolate said he’d take my idea of having Mexicans running across the border with coolers full of margaritas, thus encouraging America to help them become US citizens because – hey – they brought drinks.