If I’m going down there, at least make it shinyMarch 1, 2010
I’m a bit confused over a new trend in women’s fashion/upkeep/buggery called Vajazzling, which is like Bedazzling except the shiny things go right above your vagina instead of your jean jacket. I know if I had a vagina I wouldn’t treat it like a jean jacket because while I might love Def Leppard I wouldn’t sew a Def Leppard patch to my pubis mons, announcing to all who would enter that they would indeed feel the Rock of Ages.
Anyway, so now you can make your snatch look like a treasure trove of shiny rocks after they clear cut all your hair down there (because they wax it all off before applying the Swarovski crystals). Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt recently admitted to doing this, which marks this as the only time I’ve ever thought about Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagina. Why someone would want to be Vajazzled is a topic requiring the sharpest intellects I can find. The best I can do is Anonymous Doug and Tina the Lesbian, who were at the local bar watching Canada beat the US in men’s ice hockey. Great, now those Canucks have our gold medal AND they have healthcare.
“They’re obviously not doing this for a guy,” Anonymous Doug says. “This is something just for them to look at in the privacy of their own home or when they pop a squat in the bathroom.”
“Yeah, I’ve never gone down a girl and wished that I had something shiny to look at while I went to town,” Tina the Lesbian says. “Hell, I might get worried about accidentally swallowing one of them.”
“What sort of designs do they do down there?” asks Anonymous Doug. “Could you get the Batman symbol down there, because I might be able to dig that, you know, eating out Batgirl. Except shinier.”
“Whatever it costs to do this, it’s too much,” says Tina the Lesbian. “No, scratch that. It’s actually too little, because if you’re dumb enough to get this done you should have as little money as possible.”
“I would not get my nutsack bedazzled,” says Anonymous Doug. “My balls itch enough as it is without gluing shiny stones to it.”
“And how long do those crystals stay on there?” says Tina the Lesbian. “A week? Two weeks? A month? And then what? They just fall off? The only thing worse than having a crystal rose pattern on your snatch is having a crystal rose pattern with half the crystals missing.”
“And what do you do with the crystals after they fall off?” says Anonymous Doug. “Just throw them out? Save them for some arts and craft project for someone you hate. Like would you use those pussy crystals for a home-made wedding card for that annoying sister-in-law?”
“You want a pretty butterfly down there, just get a tattoo,” says Tina the Lesbian. “If you’re going to do something dumb to your pubic area, there should be some pain involved.”
Everyone should have a lesbian and an anonymous man to ask for opinions. Otherwise, how else would you know exactly why gluing crystals to your snatch is a bad idea.