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I didn’t know the Fashion Police had a Special Victims Unit

March 4, 2010

We don’t post as regularly as we did for the first four years of this blog, but we like to think we’re boosting the quality at the expense of quanity.  And we’ve got some quality for you today.

This news article about a religious pamphlet titled “Women & Girls” being passed out around in Bristol,Virginia (southern part of VA on the Tennessee border, not Sledpress country) to young women got our attention, especially this part…

“You may have been given this leaflet because of the way you are dressed,” it begins. “Have you thought about standing before the true and living God to be judged?”

It continues with one essential theme: The sins of men are, in part, the fault of women, specifically women in tight-fitting clothing. Yates was annoyed. Then she got to a section on page two:

“Scripture tells us that when a man looks on a woman to lust for her he has already committed adultery in his heart. If you are dressed in a way that tempts a men to do this secret (or not so secret) sin, you are a participant in the sin,” the leaflet states. “By the way, some rape victims would not have been raped if they had dressed properly.   So can we really say they were innocent victims?”

A story of this magnitude and sensitivity requires a summit of the best female minds I can find… or the ones who just happen to be at the same bar as me during 1/2-Off Gallon Margarita Night.  And they’re already on their second round of drinks.

“Yes, because we all know rape wasn’t invented until women stopped wearing floor-length dresses,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, shaking her head.  “I’m not sure who this pamphlet is insulting more, women or men?”

“Is this pamphlet trying to say there are clothes that repel rapists?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Like there’s  a rapist standing out there saying ‘Damn, I’d rape that girl but I can’t because she’s got those gaucho pants on.'”

“Behold my anti-rape hoodie!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s like kryptonite to rapists, dissolving their erections and their rapist ways.”

“I guess sweaters that your grandma gave you for Christmas are a +20 against rapists,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, showing off her awareness of Dungeons and Dragons (or in this case Basements and Rapists) as both Wicca and D&D get accused of corrupting youth to be devil-worshippers.  

“Is there a section of Dress Barn that sells mystical rape-prevention clothing?”  says Tina the Lesbian who then points at Ninja Vicki.  “And don’t say Dress Barn Woman, little Ms. No Ass.”

“Too bad whoever wrote this pamphlet didn’t put their name or church on it,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I would call them up with questions all the time.  ‘Hi, I’d like to know if this turtleneck I just bought will cause me to be horribly raped because JCPenney doesn’t have a Non-Rape section in their women’s department.'”

“I bought some tanktops for the summer the other day,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “But that was before I knew they would send men into uncontrollable rapeful furies that I would be blamed for.  And all because I wanted some sun on my shoulders.”

“You’ll have to give those rapetops to charity,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Thus dooming the less fortunate women who get them to horrid lives of infinite rape that apparently will be all their fault.”

“The only thing worse than getting GoodWill rape-triggering clothes is paying full retail price for designer label rape-triggering clothes,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “The girl with the hand-me-downs is just as raped as the girl in the Vera Wang ensemble, but at least she didn’t spend 600 bucks for the privilege of being violated.”

“And the goddess forbid you get raped wearing a designer knockoff,”  says Avonia.  “The embarrassment!  You’ll be lucky if they bring out the rape kit then.”

“Now I know what fashion shows are really about,”  says Avonia.  “Here are the new Spring fashions that will cause you to be raped because you are an immodest whore according to some jackasses in Virginia.”

“Because wearing a pair of skinny jeans or a mini-skirt means it’s no-limit open raping season on your ass,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “And if you truly believe that then please do the world a favor and die in a painful and pointless accident.”

When you’re too dumb for Ninja Vicki to bother killing, you know you’ve reached a new level of idiocy.

8 comments

  1. i believe you have found a nice new market for a modified “Lazy Cougar” clothing line. all i need to do is sew up the crotchless sweatpants, and i think it’s pretty much “rape repellent”.


    • We’ll have to field test it first. Round up a focus group of rapists.


  2. So tell me again why we bother to fight the Taliban?


    • So they don’t take our Vajazzlers from our cold dead shaven pubic areas.


  3. oops… off to cover up the corset


  4. In the “Women’s Decameron” by Julia Voznesenskaya (it’s women in a Soviet maternity hospital telling stories to while away the time) there’s the wonderful story of a woman attacked near a construction site by a man whose tackle gets inextricably tangled in the string of her mittens, a gift from Canadian friends. As he lows and roars in ball-strangling anguish, she gloats “It’s a Canadian anti-rape device. They’re called prick-cuffs.” And she drags him over to the construction trailer so someone can summon the law, which is almost unnecessary as he neary dies of mortification on finding that he has been thwarted by a pair of mittens on a string. Now THERE’s anti-rape wear for you.


  5. Holy moly. I’d better empty my closets NOW, lest a rapist be hiding in the bushes, ready to pounce!!


  6. I, too, have an anti-rape hoody! I call it The Repeller!

    I used to have a come-hither hoody called the Douchebag Magnet. I don’t wear it anymore.

    Seriously.



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