Tastes like socialist oppression and the tears of the violatedJuly 15, 2010
Psycho Dave is building a lemonade stand. And by building I mean he took my couch and my coffee table and put it out on the sidewalk. Now I know he’s not doing his own Alex’s Lemonade Stand because Psycho Dave thinks that the cancer charity is hiding some sort of unexplained evil behind the story of a dead child.
“Why are you selling lemonade?” I ask.
“Oh, I’m not selling lemonade,” says Psycho Dave.
“You have a two pitchers of lemonade, a bunch of plastic cups, and a sign that reads ‘Lemenayde,’ with the last ‘e’ written backwards,” I say.
“I’m not charging for it,” says Psycho Dave. “I’m giving it away.”
Pause. “You pissed in a pitcher, didn’t you?”
“Oh, it’s real lemonade,” says Psycho Dave. “A special brew, but lemonade nonetheless. And it’s free.”
“So why are you giving away this special brew of lemonade for free?” I say.
“Because it pisses off some bitch in Chicago,” says Psycho Dave who hands me an opinion article written by Terry Savage, who on a summer day found three girls with a lemonade stand who were giving their product away for free. This got a bug up her vag because apparently free lemonade is symptomatic of the communist decline of America. But this joyless woman was there to stand up for poor little capitalism and its retarded brother free enterprise, turning herself into the new symbol of our great nation: a crazy lady with no soul screaming at children for offering free lemonade, and then proudly bragging about it.
“Is that all?” I say to Psycho Dave. Usually his schemes involve doing stuff to spite more than just one person.
“Well, you remember that Sharron Angle lady from Nevada who said that rape and incest are part of God’s plan?” says Psycho Dave. “Well, she’s doubling-down on the dumb and giving me a great product idea.”
Psycho Dave gives me this new snippet of an interview with the Republican nominee for the US Senate from Nevada, again regarding the issue of abortion regarding exceptions for rape and incest:
Stock: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?
Angle: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.
“So this is rape lemonade?” I say. “You’ve made rape lemonade.”
“It was God’s plan that rape lemonade be made, according to the crazy lady in Nevada running for high political office,” says Psycho Dave. “I’m just the hand the Almighty has chosen to stir in the roofies and give it away for free.”
“I’m not sure the concept of rape lemonade becomes less objectionable when you don’t charge for it,” I say.
“Are you going to say ‘no” to the Lord when he comes to you and tells you to make some rape lemonade?” says Psycho Dave. “God will not be denied His beverage of choice.”
“Did God tell you to use my couch and coffee table to distribute rape lemonade?” I say.
“It was implied,” says Psycho Dave.
I take back my couch and coffee table. I may be an atheist, but I know for damn sure the omnipotent and omnipresent do not imply.