They call it Human Resources, she calls it a steady pipeline of preyNovember 13, 2010
Tina the Lesbian is at her desk at work when she gets an email from the HR director to meet him in his office. Tina has a flash of fear that the company has figured out that her Tetris binges have gotten longer and longer since she started at the company and now have reached unacceptable levels, and thus will now cast her into the desperate world of the unemployed in this horrid new world of economic anorexia.
But as she enters Mr. Wissahickon’s office, she does not find the 46-year old HR director sitting behind his desk. Instead Ninja Vicki is there, tapping away at his computer.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” Tina the Lesbian says to her ninja friend.
“Ah, there you are,” Ninja Vicki says. “Come over here. There’s a new Maru video I want you to see.”
Tina sighs. “If Mr. Wissahickon comes in and finds you at his desk-”
“Mr. Wissahickon has no need for desks anymore,” Ninja Vicki says, twirling a throwing knife between her fingers. “Now I am the head of Human Resources.”
“So you’ve gone from the mailroom to head of human resources in less than a week…” says Tina.
“When you eliminate someone of the managerial class, you absorb their power and their position,” says Ninja Vicki.
“That’s not how it works,” says Tina. “Moving up in the corporate world is not based on the rules of Highlander.”
Ninja Vicki holds up a book. “That’s not what it says in Tag Larkin’s newest book ‘Tag Larkin’s Fuck Your Career in the Face.’ It’s certainly opened my eyes about managing my professional career.”
“You’ve never listened to Tag Larkin in your life,” says Tina. “Why would you start now?”
“Hey, he’s had the most jobs out of everyone I know,” says Ninja Vicki. “So that makes him the most qualified person on the subject. Plus it gives me a better reason to stab people. Now I can watch Maru videos all day without fear of repercussion.”
“So what are you going to do when someone comes in with an issue… say a sexual harassment claim?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“I stab them both,” says Ninja Vicki. “The man for being a harasser, and the woman for not knowing ninjitsu and handling the problem herself. It’s actually much cheaper than going through the process of investigating and settling the claim. And the best part, it opens up two new jobs so that will help the economy. In fact, the more people with jobs that I murder, the more jobs will be available for those who have been out of work for so long.”
“But our company offers life insurance policies to its employees,” says Tina. “If you start killing employees, their families are cashing out those policies. It will drive our rates too high to maintain.”
“The life insurance policy is only good for as long as you’re with the company,” says Ninja Vicki. “So now as the Human Resources Head Ninja in Charge, I can now terminate people’s employment right before I terminate them. A few signatures on the right pages and someone’s fate has been sealed.”
“But if you kill too many employees, we can’t do the work,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Which means productivity drops, profits vanish, and then the office closes and we’re all out of work.”
“Hmm… then I’m going to need an assistant to hire more people,” Ninja Vicki says. “Want a promotion?”
“I don’t know anything about hiring people,” says Tina the Lesbian.
Ninja Vicki flips open Tag Larkin’s career development book. “Tag Larkin says that it’s not that you don’t know how to do a job, it’s that you do know how but you just don’t know it yet. And then Tag Larkin tells a story about how he performed an appendectomy at a car dealership.”
“No, Tag just kicked a salesman in the stomach until he agreed to give Tag the car for free,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I remember that incident.”
“The point is, don’t sell yourself short,” Ninja Vicki said. “You might be really good at being my assistant.”
Tina closes her eyes and sighs. “I’m going back to my desk.”
“Okay, I’ll forward you that Maru video then,” Ninja Vicki says.
Tina the Lesbian returns to her desk and picks up the phone, dialing the one person who could help end Ninja Vicki’s reign of human resources terror.
To be continued…