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Side effects may include whipping it out for dudes and being horrible at blackjack

February 3, 2011

Illness and laziness and general life crap have kept me from my blogging duties.  After Saturday’s birthday of improv and beer, (where I rocked the house at my improv show and then celebrated afterward with pint after pint of Guinness) my body has been rebelling with coughing fits that I can feel in my back and a lack of appetite that has drained me to the point where I am actually getting the requisite eight hours of sleep a night that doctors are always recommending.  Since then I’ve been self-medicating with DayQuil, NyQuil, and Vicks Formula 44 cough syrup because I know full well the doctor can’t give me anything stronger or better for what ails me, just things that are more expensive.

You never know with pills… like with that guy from France who is suing GlaxoSmithKline because his Parkinson’s meds allegedly transformed him from a loving father and husband into a “gay sex addict” with a gambling addiction.

Didier Jambart, a married father-of-two who says he has attempted suicide three times, claims he became addicted to Internet gambling, losing the family’s savings and stealing to feed his habit.

He also became a compulsive gay sex addict and began exposing himself on the Internet and cross-dressing. His risky sexual encounters led to him being raped, his lawyers said.

The behaviour stopped when he stopped taking the drugs in 2005 but by then he had been demoted in his defence ministry job and was suffering from psychological trauma resulting from his addictions, his lawyers said.

“What was the name of this wonder drug?”  says Tina the Lesbian, aka T. Lesbian.  “GayBetItAll?   I think I’d rather take Ambien.  I’ll take sleep-eating over exposing myself on the Internet any day.”

“So what does this pill do to gay hedonist gambling addicts?”  says Mikka.  “Does it turn them into agoraphobic heterosexuals who think Monopoly is sinful?”

“I’m glad Michael J. Fox didn’t get into this stuff,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “We need him to fight the good fight for stem cell research so I can grow a new liver because the one I got keeps begging me to let it die.”

“There’s already a drug that makes you bad at poker and gets you to take off your clothes at inopportune times,” says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s called tequila and it makes me a wonderful dancer.”

“The guy’s only asking for $610,000 in damages,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Obviously he didn’t lose that much money or self-respect during those lost years of random homo sex and shitty online poker playing.”

“I’m glad he got to keep his job at the defence ministry after being a gay whore gambling addict for so long,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “I once lost a job because I had a case of pneumonia.  This guy’s exposing himself on the Internet and being a security risk and he only gets demoted.  Viva La France for their workers’ rights laws!”

“I’ve gotten loopy off percasets before but not to the point where I’m trolling for illicit encounters and blowing all my money at the craps table,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I think the worst thing I did on pain pills was let a bitch slide for not having my money.  The goddess surely was smiling on that wayward whore the day after my wisdom teeth were pulled.”

We’ve kept this information about the gay gambler pill from The Wheatleys because we don’t want them to be afraid of medicine.  Sean and Lucia are dumber than sputum, but at least they’ll go to the doctor when sick.  We don’t want them becoming one of those Christian Science couples because if they say something so stupid that it causes me to have a stroke, I want them calling 911, not trying to pray away the sudden hemorrhage in my brain.

6 comments

  1. if i take nyquil for 3 nights in a row, i start to have hallucinations. ‘friday the 13th’ style mad-slasher hallucinations. i hope you don’t. and if you do, you take pictures!

    glad the improv went well! suspect you were born to do it!


  2. It’s well documented that Parkinson’s drugs can cause a gambling addiction to develop. As for the sex addiction, I understood that to be more of a symptom of the disease than part of the cure.

    One of our female patients with Parkinson’s is notoriously randy and is constantly being found in the bedrooms of male patients.


  3. Please tell me there is badly filmed footage of the improv somewhere on the interwebs. Please!


  4. you totally rocked it. My brain is still saying “Mr. Pepper Pipe” five times fast any time there is a lull in thought.

    Feel better!


  5. Science is awesome. Every day we get a little closer to the Rule 34 pill.


  6. Man, if there was a drug out there that could make me a rapey whorebag with a gambling addiction…that would explain a great deal about my life.



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