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To those who work the pole, their g-strings will be stuffed with dollar bills in Heaven

March 23, 2011

The recent story about the woman in Texas starting a Pole Dancing for Jesus class didn’t catch us as off-center or strange at all… mainly because the strippers in our town have been pole dancing for Jesus for years.  Literally.

Yes, our friend Black Jesus, the real risen Savior, likes to frequent the local strip clubs here in town.  Well, not Swashbuckler’s, our pirate themed strip club, because of that one time he cured that one stripper of scurvy.  The management got pissed that Black Jesus tampered with the authenticity of their pirate strippers and banned him until Judgment Day.  They would have banned him for life, but all Black Jesus would have to do is die and resurrect and the ban would no longer be enforceable.  Black Jesus is crafty.

Anyway, Black Jesus and strippers… a winning combination.

“They didn’t have pole dancing in Galilee,”  says Black Jesus, putting some dollar bills that he earned working as a bartender at a gay bar into the g-string of a topless Indian girl who goes by the name of Tandoori Surprise (I think the surprise is that she douches with cumin).  “Hell, I don’t even remember them having poles for that matter.  Topless girls had to dance by the rocks back then.  I’m not saying it wasn’t good, but it’s no pole dancing.”

Black Jesus also notes that there were no 6-inch clear stripper heels back in Biblical times, citing it as the strongest evidence for evolution that he can come up with after buying a whole tray of Jaegermeister shooters and buying the stripper to pour them all down his holy gullet.

So… Pole Dancing for Jesus?  We call it Thursday.  Doesn’t faze us.

But this kid who had a near-death experience, who said he went to Heaven and wrote a book about seeing Jesus… we’ve got a problem.

See, the kid says Jesus has sea-blue eyes, which is bullshit because – as we’ve already established – Jesus is black.  It’s true, I was just at the strip club with him and he bought me a lap dance with a chunky Japanese stripper named Sue Nami (she obviously doesn’t stay up on current events).

Also, this portion of the kid’s story…

Jesus has a rainbow horse which only he is allowed to ride and wears a white robe with a purple sash – the only one in Heaven who wore purple.

Well, when Prince dies he’s going to change that purple policy right away, let me tell you…

Also… I can’t ride a rainbow horse in Heaven?  Fuck you, pal.  This kid describes Heaven like it’s a piece of Lisa Frank artwork that you’d find on a grade school girl’s folder back in 1988, but you don’t get to ride the rainbow horse?  Heaven is the perfect place to ride a rainbow horse.  When I get to Heaven I will ride whatever the shit I want.  Plaid griffins.  Technicolor rocket-powered unicorns.  Shit, I’m going to make like Ronnie James Dio and RIDE THE TIGER!  I don’t want to hang out with dead relatives now in youthful 2o to 30-year old bodies, I want to ride ridiculous animals and command an army of vinyl-clad Valkyries who want to rock the awesome train right off its fucking rails.

So apparently I’m not atheist because I don’t believe, I’m an atheist because my standards are too high.

11 comments

  1. “Well, when Prince dies he’s going to change that purple policy right away, let me tell you…”

    And I want to be there when he does


    • Agreed.


  2. I want to command an army of terminators in medival armor. That sounds like fun. Maybe we can have a face off. Your vinyl-clad Valkyries against my terminators. My guys will be riding chromatic dragons. They’ll be armed with ionic plasma cannons, phase disruptors and nuclear gyrojet rifles. Oh, I think your Valkyries will be in trouble!


  3. Love it and we stole some stuff…sorry lol


    • Just the scurvy line? I would have stolen the douching with cumin line myself.


  4. This kid’s version of heaven sucks. I like to think that heaven is just getting drunk on the porch. Every day.


    • Get drunk, pass out. Wake up. No hangover. Someone makes me breakfast. and then we go back to the porch and get drunk again and just shoot the shit.


      • yeah. no hangovers. that’d be a bit of fucking heaven right now. god damn vodka.


  5. White Jesus is the one who made that little fabric softener bear talk. Can Black Jesus to that?


  6. Can Black Jesus help me spell better?


    • Anything is possible with Black Jesus, but you may have to wait longer for it to happen.



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