We’re just asking questions that support our hatred of you: Part 2May 3, 2011
So as we last left off, Ninja Vicki got a rumor going around town that her nemesis Samurai Cathy has vestigial tail and was born to wolves. And now Samurai Cathy is in the weird spot of trying to assert that she was indeed born to human parents. But ninjas are treacherous and Vicki has wormed the seeds of doubt into the public regarding Cathy’s humanity.
“Ms. Samurai Cathy, why are you withholding the truth from the people?” says a man in the crowd with a tape recorder.
Samurai Cathy gives him a quizzical look. “And you are?”
“I’m from the New York Times,” says the man. “We’re doing a story on the controversy of a potential wolf-woman living among us and hiding her vestigial tail.”
“There is no story, it’s just a stupid untrue rumor made up by a horrible unlovable shell of a woman,” says Samurai Cathy, glaring at Ninja Vicki.
“We’re the press, our job isn’t to report on what is true,” says the New York Times reporter. “Our job is to report on what people are talking about, regardless of whether it has any basis in truth or reality.”
“That is paint-drinkingly retarded… and death by my hand would be more of an honor than you deserve, you soulless media prostitute,” says Samurai Cathy.
“Yes, we love our paint,” says the reporter. “But how do you respond to a recent poll stating that 45 percent of people believe that you are indeed a wolfen-beast woman?”
Samurai Cathy flinches out of surprise. “How did you get a poll done so fast?”
“She won’t answer the questions out of fear that her wolfish tendencies will come out,” Ninja Vicki interjects. “People have told me they have evidence that Samurai Cathy eats sheep at night.”
“I believe those anonymous people!” says Sean Wheatley.
“Yes, they support the beliefs I already hold,” says Lucia Wheatley.
“Victoria, why are you doing this?” Samurai Cathy says, rubbing the stupidity migraine from her forehead. “This whole vestigial tail and wolf-parentage rumor-mongering is a new level in petty dumbness, even for you.”
“Why am I doing this?” Ninja Vicki says, sounding offended. “Because I hate you! I hate, hate, hate you! And you have that much hate for someone, anything you do to them is justified. That is how the world works.”
“No, that is why the world doesn’t work,” Samurai Cathy says. “That’s why there’s genocide in countries. That’s why sociopaths easily climb to the top ranks of business and government, ruining everything for everyone else. That’s why anyone went to see that awful Atlas Shrugged movie.”
“Hey, alluding that I saw Atlas Shrugged is high slander and over the line!” says Ninja Vicki. “This is just what wolf-women do when they can’t argue the facts. They try to malign your character with vicious, unfounded lies about your movie-watching habits.”
“Why can’t you just release your birth certificate so the public can know whether you were born to wolves or not?” says the New York Times reporter.
“Because none of this is about who I was born to,” says Samurai Cathy. “It’s about Victoria hating me with every fiber of her cold black heart. Why should I waste my time proving I wasn’t born to wolves when after I do she’s just going to make up other bullshit like I’m a communist Islamic radical suicide bomber or that my vagina has teeth and feeds on neighborhood puppies. It will never end because all this about is how Victoria hates me.”
“So you’re a communist Islamic radical suicide bomber whose vagina eats puppies?” says the reporter.
“That’s the worst thing ever!” says Sean Wheatley. “Even Hitler wasn’t a communist.”
“Nor did he have a vagina that ate puppies!” says Lucia Wheatley. “Why are you allowed to live amongst us?”
“Oh just forget it!” Samurai Cathy yells before storming away with Mikka running to catch up to her. Ninja Vicki takes this opportunity to steal Cathy’s unfinished french fries from lunch, her ninja mask unable to hide the smug look underneath.
“Yeah, winning, that’s me,” Ninja Vicki says to herself. “Winning all over the place… all over your samurai face, bitchcakes.”
Little does Ninja Vicki realize as she basks in the giddy glow of victory that the war isn’t over…
To be continued…