Searching for Jobs the Tag Larkin Way!October 24, 2011
So Mikka just got fired from his job at the Lo Mein Noodle factory that he got last year. Not laid off, fired, so no unemployment’s coming his way. Apparently Mikka missed some mandatory company culture seminar because he was actually doing his job and not wasting his time in useless meetings. But of course you can’t say that out loud to your manager, except Mikka did because he’s been Tag Larkin’s intern for over a year and some of Tag Larkin’s boldness has rubbed off on him. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough because they sacked him. But he’s all right with that because turnover’s been really high at the plant and it’s just a fucking Lo Mein Noodle factory. His love has always been wonton soup.
So now Mikka is back on the job hunt, but this time he’s got some assistance, for last year Mikka was conscripted to be Tag Larkin’s intern, and with that position comes a few perks. The most important of these perks is career guidance.
“Show Tag Larkin your resume,” says Tag Larkin. Mikka hands it to him and Tag Larkin rips it to pieces without even reading it. “Your resume is weak! It has words on it. Tag Larkin says your resume should be a photocopied picture of your cock. That will let those pencil-pushers in HR know that you mean business.”
Mikka wants to argue that most hiring managers will not accept photocopied penis pictures, and that Kinko’s calls the police rather quickly they catch someone putting their dick on the photocopier glass (as Mikka found out that one day when Tag Larkin needed to update his “resume”). But Tag Larkin is taking these notes from his best-selling book “Tag Larkin Fucks Your Career in the Face,” and Mikka does not want to be struck in the face with a hardcover book so he lets Tag Larkin continue.
“And your reference suck!” says Tag Larkin. “Previous managers and co-workers? Honkey, please! Tag Larkin is the only reference you need. Tag Larkin’s name opens doors and legs around the world. If they ask for three references, write Tag Larkin down three times in increasingly bigger letters. If they give you shit about it, cocksmack their coffee mug right out of their hand.”
Mikka wants to ask what if they don’t have a coffee mug in hand when they question why the same person is listed as a reference three times, but he knows Tag Larkin will slam his head off the floor for such insolence. Tag Larkin has a book and is Tag Larkin. Mikka does not have a book and is not Tag Larkin.
“Now you’ve already done the flashbang stun grenade bit during the job interview, and Tag Larkin is proud of you for that,” says Tag Larkin. “But you have to up your game. Job interviews aren’t about selling your skills and promoting your experience. Meetings are about dominance, and Tag Larkin knows how to dominate. Tag Larkin dominates domination!”
Mikka is fully aware of how much Tag Larkin dominates. He has never seen Tag Larkin purchase anything, and yet Tag Larkin keeps getting more stuff.
Tag Larkin says you need to strap a bomb to your chest, walk into that interview room, and tell that son of a bitch that either someone’s going to have a new job or everyone’s going to be scrubbed off the walls,” says Tag Larkin. “Don’t play his game of answering questions! Flip the power paradigm and the job is yours.”
While Mikka is relieved that this part of Tag Larkin’s career management advice doesn’t involve whipping out his dick, he is very concerned about the prospect of wearing a vest full of C-4 to a job interview. However, Mikka doesn’t know enough about the subject of finding a new job to dispute Tag Larkin’s claims. Surely some corporate suit would applaud such a bold move to gain employment, so Mikka nods his head in agreement to Tag Larkin’s plan.
“You’ve taken the first and most important steps to fucking your career in it’s face,” says Tag Larkin, proudly. “Now let’s get to the library and copy some pictures of your cock.”
Yes, Tag Larkin is banned from Kinko’s, but the public library is the perfect substitute location for when you need to make a lot of copies of your penis. Plus, libraries are where the most dicks hang out anyway. So many cocks just flapping around inside your local public library… oh, and it also gave Tag Larkin a chance to donate his books for the library to stock. Well, he didn’t really donate them, he just shoved copies of Fuck Your Career in Its Face on whatever open bookshelves he could find. That’s what Tag Larkin calls effective marketing and expanding your brand.