Distracted in the Twelve… Much Like We Were in the ElevenJanuary 19, 2012
Right… so we haven’t posted in a while. No, we didn’t black-out to protest that bill that will kill the Internet. We just got distracted during a stretch where nothing in the news triggered the right kind of rage.
But things have been happening since we last posted, so let’s bring you up to speed…
So Mikka’s gotten some full-time temp work, which is like working full time except you get no paid vacation, or paid sick days, or benefits. But at least there’s the chance that this position at the General Tso’s Chicken Sauce Factory could turn into an actual full-time job. Plus, it gets him out of the house and makes him feel not worthless, which makes him a much better boyfriend to Samurai Cathy, which also pisses off Ninja Vicki.
Recently it occurred to me that my social lobbying during my college years in the late 1990′s were ultimately responsible for three current trends: skinny jeans, the 80′s revival and women wearing more knee-high boots. Now if anyone remembers the 90′s, they’ll remember that it was the time when pants were huge, no one liked the 80′s, and knee-high boots were not as prolific in women’s wardrobes as they are today, mainly because of the huge pants. It took a lot of manipulation of the social ether via pure will, but my work has paid off. It’s ironic, though, because I can no longer wear skinny jeans because I put on 40 pounds of muscle since those collegiate days. But I haven’t able to win every social battle. The best I’ve been able to do on my anti-sandal crusade is get ballerina flats in fashion, but the war is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
(Note: It also occurred to me that I had been Tebowing almost 15 year before Tim Tebow did it. I used to do it after scoring a goal in dek hockey, which wasn’t very often. But I stole it from members of the Philadelphia Eagles football team who used to take a thankful knee in the end zone back when they had an actual minister on defense. Motherfuckers keep stealing my shit!)
Anonymous Doug made this recent observation during one of our binge drinking nights: “Bitches are wearing a lot more scarves these days.” I wanted to say it was because it was winter, but he was right. Whether outside or inside, women are wearing more scarves and long-ass neckwear and we can’t figure why. Anonymous Doug doesn’t like it because scarves are one of his minor warning signs that the woman he’s trying to score with is a really a transvestite or pre-op transsexual (scarves hide the Adam’s Apple). We called up Tina the Lesbian and asked her why bitches be wearing more scarves and she hung up on us. We may never know the answer.
Ninja Vicki’s mad at her parents again. Apparently her mom signed her up for both ChristianSingles.com and JDate.com, even though Ninja Vicki doesn’t go to any Christian church unless she’s stealing from it, and nor is she even Jewish. But Ninja Vicki’s mom figured since the E-Harmony experiment from October 2008 to January 2010 had failed miserably, instead of giving up she’d just double-down on the dating sites. Vicki’s mom went with the religious identity dating sites because she believed it reduced the chances of someone mailing her ninja daughter a photo of their erect penis, which tends to happen frequently on the Internet and will always happen on the Internet because those entertainment industry bastards can’t copyright your cock. Yet.
Avonia the Wiccan Pimp thought about adopting a cat, but then Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat called her a slave-owning cracker-ass peckerwood who would feel the wrath of a liberated feline army when the revolution came. Avonia feels sad about the SPCA commercials, but Bernie’s verbal abuse is worse.
As for Tag Larkin… well, he punched a lot of people. That’s about it. Probably got a few women to accept his invitation for him to be in their vaginas. Wrestled a fire truck. Life goes on as normal for Tag Larkin.
So what’s new with you?