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Winter is coming, look ridiculous

February 9, 2012

“I think I figured out why we’ve been seeing all this lazy shit like Snuggies and Forever Lazies recently,”  I say.

“Because people just can’t be buggered to put on real clothes anymore?”  says Psycho Dave.

“Somewhat, but no,”  I say.  “It’s because our worldwide financial situation is so fucked that people are going to have to forgo paying their heating bills in the winter.”

“Hmm… you may be on to something here,” says Psycho Dave.  “I see those commercials and they all yell about how cold it is and I’m like ‘well turn up the fucking heat then.’  These people seem to be in well-off homes, just nudge the thermostat up a little.  But I guess now that they’re upside down on their mortgages they have to give up heat.”

“You’d better be seeing your breath to even consider walking around your home in an adult-sized onesie,” I say.  “And your home had better be an ice fishing shack on a frozen lake.”

“So what’s the awful outfit you have to wear when they shut off the electricity to your home?”  says Psycho Dave.  “Some sort of Devo hat that has a little solar-powered angler fish light hanging from the front of it?”

“It’s not a promising sign that we’re dealing with our financial problems with hideous adult versions of children pajamas,” I say.  “What other forms of regression will be foisted upon a population of dwindling financial means? Sippy cups for your box wine?”

“That’s actually a pretty good idea,” says Psycho Dave.  “Sippy cups for your alcohol.  Get sloppy drunk without spilling your liquor of choice.  They should sell them in bars.  You can’t break a sippy cup over someone’s head, unless you got retard strength.”

“No, drink spilling is a built-in fail-safe to stop you from drinking yourself to death,”  I say.  “If you can’t keep your liquor in the glass, you can’t get it in your mouth.  And even that’s less embarrassing than wearing a fucking adult feetie pajamas.”

“Fucking feetie pajamas…”  Psycho Dave muses.  “What if you put a crotch flap on the feetie pajamas, that way you could fuck someone while still being toasty warm?”

“That’s just your Tuggie idea,”  I say.  “Your Snuggie with a dickflap invention.  Is that your grand innovation for everything?  Put a dickflap on it?”

“Yeah it is,”  says Psycho Dave.  “There should be dickflaps on everything.  Even if it’s for women because if a dick’s not coming out, one can certainly be going in.”

I’m not sure what an increase of dickflaps would be indicative of, but I find them less objectionable than the Hoodie Footie.

3 comments

  1. “if a dick’s not coming out, one can certainly be going in.”

    One of the reasons I keep coming here is to read lines like that


  2. even a Lazy Cougar wouldn’t wear no stinkin’ footie pajamas…


  3. My heating bills were super low this year because winter did not count. Winter needs a do-over. I need a real winter with snow. I didn’t shovel at all this year.

    Also, they totally sell sippy cups at bars in Vegas and New Orleans.



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