Letters from my vaginaMarch 15, 2012
“What’cha doing?” I say to Tina the Lesbian.
“I’m writing a letter to my congressman,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“What about?” I say.
“I’m giving him a detailed description of what’s going on in my vagina,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Tina, our congressman is a crock pot full of blood,” I say. “He’s not going to find descriptions of your lady parts erotic. And I’m also assuming he’s male… so what’s the deal?”
“Well, every other day some fuckhead in a political office comes up with an idea to involve themselves in the workings of vaginas and uteri and ovaries and such,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And even worse, that fuckhead’s got thirty other friends in the same chamber of government ready to back him on legislating government interest in my lady parts, whether it’s about contraception or shoving an ultrasound wand up my cooch.”
“Yeah, it does seem like there’s been a flood of politicians lately wanting to pass tougher regulations on vaginas than on banking or oil drilling,” I say. “I mean, fuck, it’s easier to own a gun than a vagina these days.”
“So my thought is that if politicians are so interested in my vagina, I should tell them all about it,” says Tina the Lesbian. “On a daily basis. In the form of written correspondence. And in graphic detail.”
“Sounds like something Tag Larkin’s done before,” I say. And indeed he has. Tag Larkin used to send the governor letters about his cock. What his cock was doing. Where his cock had been. What his cock had slapped that day. And that’s why Tag Larkin is no longer allowed to use the mail.
“Well, I’d like to think I’m a better writer than Tag Larkin,” says Tina the Lesbian. “At least I can use first-person pronouns when referring to myself. And I’m not doing this alone either. Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is helping.”
“She’s got wonderful calligraphy,” I say. “Reading a letter about what’s going on with her snatch must be reading a Shakespearean sonnet.”
“She’s not writing,” says Tina the Lesbian. “She’s calling our Senator’s office every day to talk to him about her infertility issues. Well, she tries to talk to the Senator, but usually she just ends up talking to whatever political aide answers the phone. Just chattering away about why she and husband can’t have children… about her ovary problems… and her malformed cervix…”
“Do you think these graphic letters and phone calls will do anything?” I say.
“Probably not, but it does feel good to tell someone else about my recent problems with vaginal dryness,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I don’t know if the foreplay’s not working or I’m stressed out or what, but I do know that KY is our world’s most precious resource.”
I’m hoping it at least gets people talking frankly and candidly about vaginas. And perhaps a talk show on TV called Pussy Talk. I would watch that. Every night.