You can say “vagina” around the Stanley CupJune 16, 2012
As a LA Kings fan since the Gretzky trade in ’88 (I’ve owned five Kings jerseys over the course of my life, two of them are still with me), seeing this was awesome, and I’ve been celebrating this all week so that’s why you haven’t seen much of anything here. It also helps that the Kings had a lot of former Philadelphia Flyers on their roster and their front office, so that I could get some satisfaction regarding my Eastern Conference team. And anytime New Jersey loses I’m happy because the Devils were responsible for turning hockey in the 90′s into a boring, clutching-and-grabbing game. Yeah, they didn’t invent the neutral zone trap, but they legitimized it as a system that slowed down the game and made it dull. Sure, the Devils don’t play that way anymore, but it’s like that joke about the drunk guy in the Irish pub telling the tourists he built the nearby castle, dredged the harbor, and built a wall but no one calls him Seamus the Castlebuilder, the Harbor Dredger, or the Wall Builder. “But you fuck one goat…” You can’t unfuck that goat, New Jersey. Not in my eyes.
This goal is what makes hockey better than all sports… except maybe for the Professional Titty-Fucking League…
So we’ve been in a good mood this week, and our usual bile and disdain toward the world has been put on low heat. But we did notice the story in Michigan where a female lawmaker was banned from speaking on the Senate floor because she said vagina during a debate on a bill regarding abortion.
“Mr Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,’” she said.
Her use of the word “vagina” led house Republicans to prohibit her from speaking on school employee retirement bill.
According to the Detroit News, the majority floor leader, Jim Stamas, ruled that Brown’s comments had violated the decorum of the house.
Another Republican, Nashville, MI, representative Mike Callton, added: “What she said was offensive. It was so offensive I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”
Now this is a prime example of why I can never hold political office – decorum. Because if I had to deal with fuckwits like Representative Mike Callton on a daily basis, I wouldn’t just be guilty of violating decorum, I’d be running a train on a decorum so hard it would tear in half. Fuck a swear jar, I’d need a Swear 55-gallon drum for the amount of profanity these dickstains would trigger from me with their idiocy. I would need an intern to create new terms of disdain because I would have used all the ones I currently employ in my lexicon within the first six months of being in any governing body.
Decorum is a sham, an illusion, an artificial construct that encourages bullshit. What is should be replaced with is the concept called “Don’t be an asshole.” It encourages a sense of civility while still allowing you to call bullshit on bullshit. It’s like a self-defense class where the guy in the big padded suit grabs you and then you kick him the crotch and punch the shit out of him to end the threat, except in this case it’s done on an intellectual level rather than a physical one. When faced with bullshit from an asshole, you are allowed to call bullshit on it under the law of “Don’t be an asshole.”
The problem is that “asshole” is the number one thing people in America grow up to be. We’re good at “asshole.” We’ve perfected it. We’ve got the pure uncut stuff on tap in our DNA’s. Being an asshole has to increase dopamine levels in your brain, because we are pathetic creatures of desire and addiction. There has to be some sort reward for assholism in chemicals of the brain that is too great to pass up. So “don’t be an asshole” may be a tougher system to implement than the facade of decorum. Decorum lets you get away with getting the vapors when someone mentions the word vagina in a debate about abortions, “don’t be an asshole” doesn’t.
This isn’t our first foray into exploring assholism. We have the Asshole Hat and Asshole Credit theory. We also have our theory about people covering up their assholic tendencies by hiding behind conservatism. And then there’s our theory of Asshole Jesus who is not to be confused with Actual Jesus.
So yay Kings! Boo assholes! Yay vaginas!