Grandma saw this coming a mile away, but Mom wouldn’t believe herJune 24, 2012
“I don’t think this book addresses what we think it does,” I say while we get a fresh round of formaldehyde shooters, because something has to preserve our dead souls and it might as well taste like tequila too.
“Yeah, it seems to be more about the aftermath of the night Dad went to jail,” says Anonymous Doug, who doesn’t know who his dad is but he probably did some time in the joint. “It doesn’t deal with the root issues of why your Dad beat a man unconscious with a broken pool cue in the first place.”
“Yeah, where’s the book where a youngster has to come to terms with the sight of police officers tasering a drunken, belligerent daddy before beating him with nightsticks, handcuffing him, and throwing him in the back of a squad car?” says Mikka. “I think that book would be titled ‘Why Mommy Decided to Press Charges This Time.’”
“That little bunny’s dad on the cover, in that picture, he looks like the sort of ass who would do something to get sent to jail,” says Ninja Vicki. “I’ m thinking at no point in the book’s 24 pages does the little bunny say something like ‘Daddy always had a temper’ or ‘Daddy lived a life of jealous frustration, turning that rage outward at whoever was nearby.’”
“In these hard economic times, Dad might be going to jail for less violent offenses, like embezzlement or insurance fraud,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Dad loses his job at wherever anthropomorphic rabbits work, the bank’s on his ass about the mortgage on their hole in the ground, so maybe Dad forges a few checks or skims donations from some organization he volunteers at. Eventually it catches up to him.”
“Or maybe Dad’s selling crystal meth out of the basement,” says Samurai Cathy. “The money’s good so mom turns a blind eye, and you keep getting new video games so you don’t ask any questions. Then the illusion of your happy home life is shattered by a SWAT team busting down your doors, shooting your dog, and forcing you to lie face down on the carpet with your hands behind your back.’
“Considering America has the most people incarcerated in the world, I’m surprised this book isn’t given out in maternity wards,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Congratulations, it’s a boy. Here’s some tips on breast feeding and a complimentary book to help your child cope with the inevitability that his father will go to prison at some point in his development.”
“I feel relieved that such a book exists to help children during this difficult time, but at the same time I feel disturbed that there’s a pressing necessity for its existence,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Like those coloring books about how not to get molested by your priest. We’re treating the symptoms of the disease instead of its cause.”
Whatever the case, this has convinced me to get a library card.