You’re don’t know how lucky you are to have my husband looking out for himselfSeptember 23, 2012
Here at the Failure, we’ve come to reconsider what the American Dream – the oldest vague and pointless buzzword in our country’s short history – really means today in the broadest sense of the term. For example, in a narrow sense of time and people regarding the American Dream, it once meant not starving to death in Ireland. That’s not necessarily the case today – though who knows where Ireland’s current economic problems will lead to.
Today, the American Dream is having “Fuck You” Money , which is where you have so much money you can pretty much say “fuck you” to everyone because of the size of your total wealth. Because when you have “fuck you” money, you get to say shit like Ann Romney says to people while trying to make people like her husband enough to make him president.
During an interview early this evening with Radio Iowa, Mrs. Romney directly addressed her fellow Republicans who’ve criticized her husband.
“Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring,” she said. “This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”
“Yeah, you don’t know how hard it is to be rich and want to be the most powerful man in the world,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It’s much harder than figuring out poor people problems, like whether to pay for having heat in your home or for those prescription pills that keep your heart pumping blood.”
“I see Ann Romney is using the Mommie Dearest campaign strategy,” says Ninja Vicki. “Particularly the scene where Joan Crawford yells at her daughter ‘Why can’t you give me the respect that I’m entitled to? Why can’t you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?’ and her daughter (now played by the American electorate) replies ‘Because I am NOT one of your fans!’ I expect Ann Romney to strangle someone or hack down an orange tree with an axe in the next month or so.”
Or not, because Ann Romney canceled interviews with reporters after her “No wire hangers” moment with the press.
“So when Mitt Romney said his campaign only uses his wife sparingly because they don’t want people to get tired of her, it was really a nicer way of saying that the less they use her the less likely she is to pitch a self-entitled queen shit-fit,” says Mikka. “Hey lady, until your husband is accused every day on an hourly basis of being a secret Kenyan communist Muslim black-power terrorist who will round up all the white people into FEMA-sponsored death camps, you’re nowhere close to knowing what hard is.”
“She’s talking like a crooked pimp talks to his ho’s,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Hey, you know how lucky you are to have me looking out for you? To have me selling your ass on the street, taking all of your money, and keeping you hooked on heroin? I am doing all this for you, you selfish bitch, and I will slap the inconsiderateness out of your mouth if you look at me sideaways again! Now vote for Mitt Romney!”
The concept of Ann Romney as a pimp makes a lot more sense than it really should. For one, pimping ain’t easy. In fact, it’s very hard. Also, Ann Romney’s already shown the back of her hand to women voters in a campaign stop earlier in September…
“Women, you need to wake up,” she urged them. “Women have to ask themselves who’s going to have and be there for you. I can promise you, I know, that Mitt will be there for you. He will stand up for you, he will hear your voices.”
Then there was her message to Latino voters at the end of August…
Hispanics are an important voting bloc, especially in this battleground state. Romney said she’s speaking out to make “sure that those coalitions,” referring to women and Hispanic voters, “that would naturally be voting for another party wake up and say, You’d better really look at the issues this time.”
“You’d better really look at your future and figure out who’s going to be the guy that’s going to make it better for you and your children, and there is only one answer,” Mrs. Romney said, giving a harsher pitch than we usually hear from the woman who wants to be the next first lady.
“When you tell someone to wake up when they’re not sleeping, you’re being a dick,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “No one has ever been converted to a point of view by being told to ‘wake up.’ You might as well just call them a fucktarded dumbass and save yourself the trouble of being polite and bothering to bring them over to your way of thinking.”
“That sounds like the worst pick-up line ever,” says Anonymous Doug. “Hey, baby, do you want to go out? No? Hey, missy, you’d better really look at your future and figure out who’s going to be the guy that’s going to make it better for you and your children, and there is only one answer – me! Now get in my car – we’re going to Applebee’s!”
The strange thing about when Ann Romney tries to convince people to vote for her husband is that she doesn’t say exactly why you should do so or what specifically he would do as president, only that you should just take her word for it that he’s going to do a good job. And that sort of “Just do what I say and shut up” attitude comes from having “Fuck You” money. It’s what makes having “Fuck You” money so appealing, and thus it’s what makes “Fuck you” money the new American Dream.
What should the American Dream be other than having “fuck you” money? How about being Tag Larkin? Sure, you can never be Tag Larkin, but that’s what dreams are for.