You can kick Downton Abbey all you want, but leave the Muppets out of thisOctober 6, 2012
It used to be if you missed something on television, you had to depend on your friends who watched it to tell you all about the next day. Now we have the Internet where there’s thousands of outlets to let you know what you missed and also provide further insight that may have been missed whilst seeing it live. This is our long-winded way of saying we missed the Presidential debate this past week because we were doing more constructive things – like not watching Jim Lehrer be useless.
Anyway, so in the debate Romney actually stated something specific for once by declaring he would stop the government subsidy for PBS public television, which airs Jim Lehrer’s news show, saying: “I like PBS. I love Big Bird. I actually like you, too. But I’m not gonna keep on spending money on things to borrow from China to pay for.”
“When did ‘fuck you Big Bird’ become a viable campaign strategy?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Ever see what Sesame Street looks like?” I say. “The 1% don’t live there. It’s not the nicest looking neighborhood. No one’s even bothered trying to gentrify it yet.”
“But it’s Big Bird,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Big Bird never hurt anyone. Big Bird has taught valuable lessons to young children for decades. Big Bird brings joy and happiness wherever he goes. Who has beef with Big Bird?”
“The nation’s poultry industry, maybe,” I say. “Big Bird also doesn’t have a job or pay taxes. He might not even be a citizen of the United States, though he probably hasn’t been grabbed by the INS because no one can figure out where exactly to deport him to. He’s obviously that 47% of the population that Romney says will never vote for him.”
“This just seemly more assholish than usual to curb stomp public television – and in particular, educational children’s programming,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Have we reached Peak Asshole yet – where we’ve finally reached the highest point of assholishness that cannot be exceeded?”
Peak Asshole is a myth, a fable told to spare people of the cold, harsh reality of how society and the universe at large works. And to prove it, here’s professional horrible person Rick Santorum with some words of defense for the idea of taking down Big Bird.
“I’ve voted to kill Big Bird in the past,” Romney’s ex-primary rival said. “I have a record there that I have to disclose. That doesn’t mean I don’t like Big Bird. You can kill things and still like them, maybe to eat them, I don’t know. That’s probably that. Can we — can we go back on that one?”
“Every day I get up and try to find reasons not to write off the human race as a mass of irredeemable psychopaths,” says Tina the Lesbian. “This is not helping!”
“I was going to say maybe Rick Santorum was talking about easing the suffering of your terminally-ill loved ones with a painless death, but he’s against euthanasia,” I say. “So maybe he just saw the movie Commando where Schwarzenegger says ‘You’re a funny guy Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.’ But he doesn’t kill that guy last though so I don’t think that’s applicable.”
“Or maybe he’s talking about when you have to put your dog or cat down when they’re too sick and old,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Like when I was nine and my cat Whiskers the Calico got feline leukemia.”
“Is Rick Santorum saying Big Bird is dying of leukemia?” I say. “That is messed up. Can Big Bird get treatment under ObamaCare?”
“It won’t matter because Romney wants to repeal ObamaCare, which was originally RomneyCare,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Big Bird won’t get the medical care he needs without it.”
So if you’re keeping score at home, we’ve figured out that Mitt Romney wants to fire Big Bird and have him die in the gutter of untreated leukemia. And for a surprisingly significant portion of the voting population, this is seen as a plus.