You’re not so much jumping to conclusions as you are huffing paint and stumbling onto themDecember 16, 2012
The most cogent and needed advice is always the most unheeded because it is not profitable…
One of my friends recently stated (and I’ll paraphrase here) that it’s a fucked world when someone asks “Did you hear about the shooting?” and the first thing you reply with is “Which one?”
After the primary tragedy – in this case, the school shooting in Newtown, CT – comes the secondary tragedies of the event wherein people draw the absolute wrong conclusions from the primary tragedy.
The biggest of these wrong conclusions is that if only someone else at the school had a gun and they had gone all Bruce Willis on the shooter, which is a dumb idea and is even dumber coming out of the mouth of an elected official – Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX):
“You know, having been and judge and having reviewed photographs of these horrific scenes and knowing that children have these defensive wounds — gunshots through their arms and hands as they try to protect themselves — and hearing the heroic stories the principal, lunging trying to protect — Chris, I wish to God she had had an M4 in her office locked up. So, when she heard gunfire she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands, but she takes him out, takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids.“
“Because headshots are so easy to score in the midst of a nerve-wracking life-or-death situation…” says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head. “He sounds like one of those idiots after 9/11 bragging that he’d never let some Arab with a box-cutter take him out, and he would have totally saved the plane singlehandedly too. And if he had a time machine, he totally would have kicked Hitler in his ball and stopped the Holocaust.”
“Well, the mother of the shooter had guns in her house and they didn’t do her a bit of good,” says Anonymous Doug, referring to the shooter’s first victim (from this ABCNews story – the shooter killed her then took her car and at least three of her guns to the school). “What’s the honorable goober from Texas’s wish about her? If only she slept with a gun under her pillow? If only she had a gun glued to her hand for just such a deadly occasion? If only she had been made out of guns?”
“The congressman obviously didn’t heed any of the lessons of the shootings in Tucson where his colleague Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot in the head,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “One of the guys who helped subdue the gunman had his own gun on him, and he almost drew his weapon and shot the guy who had wrestled the gun away from the shooter. He said he was lucky he didn’t draw his gun, especially since then he may have been confused by others as the shooter. He could have shot the wrong person and then have gotten shot himself. When chaos happens, do not add to it.”
From there, the wrong conclusions depart from the tangible facts of the shooting, looping into other topics that people advocate for. For example, former Arkansas Governor/current FOXNews personality/person who says horrible things but in a kind voice to sound reasonable Mike Huckabee opined on television:
We ask why there is violence in our schools but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability — that we’re not just going to have be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before, you know, a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so I sometimes, when people say, why did God let it happen. You know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.
“So because you can’t force the Jewish kids in public schools to say Christian prayers, we have massive shootings?” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants God in their schools as long as it’s theirs. If a public school held Muslim prayer time, Huckabee would go fuck-all nuts about it.”
“So the ‘wrong God’ rule is why those people at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin or the Unitarian Universalist church in Tennessee got shot,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Only the real deal Christian God who passes the Pepsi Challenge can protect you from being gunned down.”
“Yes, God was not armed, BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING GOD!” says Tina the Lesbian. “God didn’t have to go to the school BECAUSE GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! Why is it I know more about God than this fuckstain when I’m supposed to be hellbound?”
The third wrong conclusion drawn from this is that the tragedy occurred because of video games, a view espoused by this genius on FoxNews – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman:
What you saw in Newtown is just the beginning! This is a sick, sick culture feeding sick movies and sick video games creating very, very sick kids!
…We have raised a generation of children who have learned to kill and learned to like it. When we get a sick kid in past years, they were chewing gum and talking out in class. Now we create a sick kid and they’re gonna come kill you. If you’re the parents who let your kids play these sick games, the blood is on your hands and, by the way, you might be the first one to die.
“If first-person shooter games like Doom and Quake and Mass Effect can train me to be a cold-hearted gunman, then why hasn’t my 25 years of playing Street Fighter transformed me into an unstoppable martial arts machine?” says Mikka. “Oh right, because that’s not how the universe works when it comes to acquiring skills and talents. Dungeons and Dragons didn’t turn anyone into a goblin-cleaving warrior and Tecmo Bowl didn’t turn me into Joe Montana either.”
“Wait, this guy is a member of the US Military, right?” says Samurai Cathy. “If video games teach people how to become stone-cold killers, then why are there no XBoxes or Playstations at boot camp? Eight weeks of physical training, eight weeks of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, then off you go to defend our nation. If anything this guy said had any basis in reality, we could end the amorphous War on Terror with a battalion of top Halo players.”
“To be fair, all the good video game players in the military are probably piloting our drones,” says Anonymous Doug. “The controls are choppy and you only get one life, but instead of having a high score you can get money for college through the G.I. Bill.”
There are plenty of other wrong conclusions being drawn from this latest mass shooting, but sometimes there’s just too much bullshit to sort out and you have to prioritize what needs mocking.