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I bet Allah gets tipped 20%

February 1, 2013

It’s a prudent idea to always be nice to the people who serve your food.  Waiters and waitresses get shit on enough as it is, and half the time the shit they get isn’t even their fault or anything they can control, so they certainly don’t need me or anyone else raining down another level of shit in the middle of their current shit tsunami.

We bring this up because of this recent story of an Applebee’s waitress posting the receipt of a pastor who stiffed her fellow waitress on the tip with this uplifting message added to the bill (and we are thankful for this story coming to our attention because we’re getting tired of writing about guns):

But the diner has scratched out that tip, writing instead that “I Give God 10% Why do you Get 18″ and adding the word “pastor” above his signature. And instead of leaving a tip that was merely less than the 18%, just wrote a big “0.”

Ah, theology vs. the customary gratuity of having a party of 8 or more.  Did Jesus and the Apostles tip 20% at The Last Supper, or did they stiff the waitstaff and create the stereotype of the cheap Jew?  These are the questions the Church should be answering.

Anyway, let’s order up some venom…

“Does the Lord only make $3.50 an hour?” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I would think God could at least get himself a position with a salary, and probably benefits too. ‘Cause he’s God.”

“This was a portion of a bill that was part of a party of 20,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I personally don’t mind automatic gratuity regarding large parties because when you bring in a big group like that, you are going to be a lot more work for that restaurant. So it’s a trade-off: you get to eat with a large amount of people while the staff gets some guaranteed coin for their trouble.”

“Hey pastor, next time the Lord can get you your fucking quesdillas and diet soda,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I’m thinking that 10% you give to the Lord isn’t a tithe but an asshole tax levied by the Almighty against you.”

“So the Lord gets 10% of that pastor’s entire income,” says Mikka.  “I don’t know how much the pastor makes, but it’s a hell of a lot more than whatever that check was for.”

“And that 18% gets split between the waitress, the bus boy, and the bartender,” says Samurai Cathy.  “The Lord pockets everything himself, and he doesn’t pay taxes on it either.”

The story gets more infuriating with this development: the pastor – who is a woman – got the waitress who posted the receipt online fired from her job at Applebee’s. And here’s the kicker:

Some time on Wednesday, Chelsea says the customer who had left the receipt contacted her Applebee’s location, demanding that everyone be fired, from the servers involved to the managers.

“Fire everyone? It’s not like you got AIDS from the food, lady,” says Anonymous Doug.  “You wanted to show that you were a bad-ass to the help, and the help threw it right back at you.  Congratulations you biopsied cervical tumor for reinforcing the the caste system we pretend doesn’t exist in America.  Have yourself a cookie and then drown in a septic tank.”

Note: it was just the waitress who posted the receipt who got fired, no one else apparently had to lose their job over this.

“In a world with a just God, this pastor would never eat in a dining establishment again for fear of the staff pissing on all of her food,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “But we don’t have a just God because you people don’t pray to cats anymore, so now you all must suffer the indignity of this woman not eating urine-soaked food for the rest of her life.”

Always remember, peak asshole is a lie.  And Applebee’s food isn’t very good to begin with.

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